Radio Scan

Summer is the time of year for vacations, where you load up the car, hit the open highway, leave behind your daily doldrums, and get out there to discover America! Then, as you find yourself waiting in lines of nearly infinite length, either on the highways or hiking trails or theme parks, you wonder why you were such an idiot as to vacation during the summer, when just about everybody else in the country is also discovering America right alongside of you.

With all of this discovering going on around you and slowing you down, you’re going to be spending a lot of time in the car, and unless you want to use it talking to your traveling companions, which after the first six hours or so will be completely out of the question because you’ll all be completely sick of each other, you’re going to need some form of entertainment.

I recommend Radio Scan.

Radio Scan is when you leave behind your mp3 player and instead explore the local radio stations, in the hopes of finding something interesting, such as something that will give you a little window into the unfamiliar culture of the area you’re visiting, or maybe even broaden your intellectual horizons, or perhaps, if you’re really lucky, make you in some way a better person. (You also hope you don’t find only rap, because then you’ll be forced to turn the radio off and play the ABC game, which will cause you to go insane, but which is still a better alternative than rap.)

Several years ago I was on a trip out west that took us through North Dakota. After giving up on our Louis L’Amour audio book, where the male narrator tried to do the voices of all of the characters but failed spectacularly, especially those of the women, we began to scan through the radio static. That’s when we found Big Bear, who was playing some form of traditional Native American music. It was fascinating to us, in the sense that we understood nothing. Our best guess was that he was performing traditional songs of his people, passed down from generation to generation. But that was just a guess. He may also have been singing about his favorite brand of yogurt or something. Still, we'd never really heard anything like it before, and so we listened intently. When a song finished, the announcer would come on and say, “And that was Big Bear...And coming up next we have…” Then there’d be a long, dramatic pause, before the announcer made the big reveal: “Big Bear!” It was like a 50 Song Big Bear Super Set.

Just recently, on my way up to Michigan, I ran into a station that played old time radio. I got so immersed in an episode of the Six-Shooter, starring Jimmy Stewart, that I blew right through Ironwood without stopping to use the bathroom like I’d planned, because I didn’t want to miss out on what happened during the cattle stampede. It was a looong ride after that to Wakefield, if you know what I mean, but it was still worth it.

Sometimes, however, you’re not so lucky in what you find. Last year my friend Lurch and I were driving through eastern Washington, which is approximately 87 billion miles long and has roughly two total radio stations. Needless to say, this was a rough stretch. Here's how bad it got: As we flipped through the nearly-empty radio dial, we suddenly caught the tail end of “Living On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi. Starved for entertainment as we were, we cursed our luck for having missed it. Trying to stay upbeat, I suggested that maybe they’d be doing a double play. Moments later, “Shot Through The Heart” came on, and we both cheered loudly. When that was finished, “Wanted Dead Or Alive” came on. It was a triple play!!! We cheered and hollered until we were both hoarse, I kid you not. 87 billion miles can do that do that to a person. It was hilarious and sad all at the same time.

Another time, during a trip to Arizona, it seemed that all we heard was “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen and some Cher song that I’ve since blocked out of my memory because of the trauma it caused me. I swear we heard each song about a dozen times, and this was on multiple radio stations, too, like it was some sort of vast Arizona conspiracy. Maybe the Cher song was to try and scare away illegal immigrants. I’m not sure about Bruce.

Despite the occasional questionable experience, however, I’m still all for Radio Scan. For one thing, when you finally do stumble onto a good song or program, like a Bon Jovi triple-play, after listening to a string of terrible ones that almost made you wish you were back at work and not on vacation, it’s that much sweeter, a fine example of delayed gratification at its best. Plus, maybe one day I’ll find a place that has a 24-7 Don Williams station. Then I’d move there, because those people would have their priorities straight.