Digital Book? Nah, I'm Good

I’ve never been very good at handling change. This is evidenced by the following:

• I’ve had the same clock radio since middle school. It’s been with me in Michigan, Wisconsin, and Minnesota. It probably thinks it’s on some grand adventure that will eventually conclude in California around my 95th birthday. Perhaps that’s true.
• I’ve had the same duffle bag since high school. It smells faintly of the nineties. Several years back, I found a comb in it and laughed heartily. That should tell you how old it is.
• I’ve had the same wristwatch for a half-dozen years or so. Its face is scratched terribly and there's sand in all of its crevices, making it grind hideously any time the band is flexed. I see no reason to purchase a new one. Ever.

With this in mind, it should come as no surprise that I’m slightly disturbed by the trend of books going digital. While I understand the benefits of reading on a tablet, I still think there are too many advantages to physical books to just put them out to the proverbial pasture. Here are a few of them.

1.) With physical books, you get to display them prominently on a shelf, forcing anybody in the vicinity to recognize your extraordinary level of literary sophistication. Personally, I’ve spent more time than I care to admit organizing my bookshelf to get it just right, and I’m quite proud of the final result, even though it may surprise some. (“So, you own, like, every single Garfield book?")

2.) Keeping with the bookshelf theme, a fun activity for children is to pull all of the books off a bookshelf, creating a mound of literature that instantly turns the room into a total disaster area, all while creating good photo opportunities. This would not be possible with digital books. Now why would we want to lose this?

Yeah, that’s me.

3.) Physical books are good to crush bugs with, especially if they’re hard-cover; even more so if they’re 1968 Encyclopedias that state that computers work by “magic”.

4.) When I finish reading a book, I like to celebrate by performing the “Book Throw.” This means I toss it squarely onto the floor from wherever I’m at, which is usually a chair or my bed. This generates a satisfying clunk and punctuates my accomplishment. Doing this with a tablet wouldn’t really work, as it would either break or sense the impact and instantly log onto Facebook to update my status to say how much of a careless jerk I am.

5.) With physical books, you get to have cool bookmarks, like the copper one I have with an illustration of a man panning gold on it, complete with a burro. It’s fantastic.

6.) Reading a physical book automatically makes you look smart, even if you’re not. This is especially true if you frown a lot and wear glasses, along with occasionally remembering to turn the page. (This does not apply, however, if you’re reading something like The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Do-It-At-Home Surgery) However, if you’re reading a book on your tablet, it automatically makes you look like you’re wasting time on the internet or playing games, even if you frown extra-hard and wear multiple sets of glasses.

7.) Physical books can’t run out of batteries on the last chapter.

8.) New book smell.

9.) During my school days, all the way through college, I had to use physical textbooks, and I see no reason why future students shouldn’t have to do the same. Plus, physical textbooks in school have several benefits, including the following:

• With physical books you need a backpack, which you can wear over one shoulder. This makes you look suave, like you’re too cool to play entirely by the rules. (Although there is a small chance that it makes you look like you lack the necessary motor skills to put on a backpack correctly. However, if you frown a lot and wear glasses, you should be all right.)
• With physical textbooks, one way for a boy to display his budding affection towards a girl is to offer to carry hers. It just wouldn’t be the same if the boy asked to carry her tablet. In fact, he might get accused of trying to steal it.
• Books used year after year can be beneficial to the educational process, as helpful notes may be left behind in the margins for the next reader. For example, one might find the following in a chemistry textbook: “Mr. Brady doesn’t use deodorant. If you don't believe me, wait for a hot day when he’s reaching up to erase the whiteboard.” Now that’s knowledge you can’t put a price on.

This is by no means a complete list. For example, I’ve mentioned nothing about perusing used book stores or libraries. Plus, can you really compare reading anything digitally to pulling a beat-up Calvin & Hobbes treasury off of the shelf and reading it cover to cover?

I thought not.