A Matter Of Etiquette

Like most buildings, the place of my employment is equipped with a door, since underground tunnels have yet to go mainstream and scaling the side with ladders went out of style with castles. In addition, this building is not equipped with motion sensors that see people coming and automatically open and close the door, which leaves anybody trying to enter the task of doing it themselves.

Now, using a door may seem trivial, unless it’s a revolving door, in which case I think we can all agree that anything can happen, but it still brings with it a flurry of etiquette-based scenarios that just might make your head hurt once you start to think about them.

I consider myself a fairly polite person. I typically say please and thank you, and before I insult somebody, I always make sure to prefix it with, “No offense, but…” So, with this in mind, I realize that when entering a building, it’s polite to hold the door open for anybody who’s following closely behind, so they don’t have that said door slammed in their face.

However, it’s not always that easy.

You see, there’s a threshold of how far behind you somebody can be where you’re still obligated by etiquette to stand and hold the door for them. The problem is that this threshold has never been written down, at least not anywhere that I can find, which has left me confused. What is this threshold? Is it ten feet? Fifteen? Or is it some metric measurement, in which case no American would be able to figure it out anyway? (“Wait! What the heck is a hectometer? How do I convert it? Do I need to use Celsius or something?”)

Or, even worse, does this threshold change with different scenarios?

For example, should you wait longer holding the door for an elderly person who you know will give you a Werther’s Original as a reward than you should for some young preppy professional who’s busy talking loudly on his cell phone for the express purpose of letting everybody around him know that he’s important because he’s talking loudly on his cell phone?

Also, what if somebody always holds the door open for you? Does that increase the threshold you must use when determining if you should hold the door open for them? What about the rank of the person following behind you? Does that play into it at all? For example, do you wait longer for the CEO than you would one of your peers? But what if your CEO is a jerk who’s always on their cell phone? Converesely, what if your CEO carries Werther’s originals?

Sometimes, it goes beyond etiquette and touches on ethics, such as, is it ethical to wait longer to hold the door open for an attractive member of the opposite sex? But if so, when does that become grounds for a restraining order? (“When I walked by your car, I saw you slouching in it like you didn’t want me to see you or something. Anyway, I stood here in front of the building and held the door for you for ten minutes until you finally got out and came, just like I have every day for the last month!!”)

And don’t even get me started on if you’re required by etiquette to also engage in small talk with the person you’re holding the door open for. (“Nice day, huh? Wow, how I hate holding open doors! It makes me very uncomfortable! How about you?”)

Sometimes in the morning, after a particularly taxing door-holding decision, I’m already mentally exhausted before I even start my day of work! It’s all enough to make a guy want to hide in the bushes until he’s sure nobody is in the vicinity before sprinting to the door, guaranteeing that he won’t have to make any decisions regarding whether he’ll have to hold it open for somebody or not.

Now, perhaps you think I’m just being silly. Perhaps you think I’m even a bit unstable. Well, if you think that, then no offense but you’re the one who’s unstable, plus you have the IQ of a garden trowel. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go build a portable bush that I can wear to work, so I’ll always have camouflage on hand if somebody’s getting too close as I’m entering the building.

Ha! Who’s unstable now?