Fool Loan Turkey And Hay

I’m usually not a big fan of gyms, and don’t really foresee myself ever getting a membership at one. This is mainly because I fear I’d crumble under the pressure of working out in public where everybody could see me and laugh, and I picture myself being thrown across the room by the treadmill or pinned helplessly underneath the weight bar. (Just the bar, mind you, without any weight added to it yet.)

Now, before you say anything, I know that I’m being a bit silly about this. I mean, I realize that I could just show up, stretch a little, sip some Gatorade, and pretend to be waiting for some of the various machines to open up, but that seems like a waste of money just to be able to hang around and be too afraid to talk to any of the girls there.

So, at least for the time being, gyms are out for me.

There is one new gym, however, that I’m ecstatic about. This is because it’s made my life a whole lot easier, even though I’ve never once walked through its doors. It’s located in a strip mall right next to my local Subway. This is advantageous because all of the people working out at the gym fill up the parking lot, which makes it look like Subway is full, and so all of the potential Subway customers turn around and leave because they don’t want to be stuck in what they think must be a ridiculously long line, which most likely contains that one guy ordering eighteen sandwiches, the details of which he wrote down on his arm in pen but which have since smeared terribly, leaving him scratching his head and asking for a “Fool loan turkey and hay on Montgomery chipper?”

The result of this is that once I realized that Subway was never actually filled up, even though it looked like it was, I figured out I could just park way across the lot somewhere, hike over, and pretty much have the entire restaurant all to myself, where I could get in and out in only a couple of minutes.

Pretty good setup, huh?

So, way to go America in your battle against obesity! It’s allowed me even faster access to a wide array of highly caloric foods, especially if I break down and get the cookies! (Mmmmm, M&M cookies…) What a great country!

On a side note, I want to give a shout-out, if that’s still the appropriate “hip” terminology one should be using, to one of the rare customers who was actually in Subway with me recently. It was a lady accompanied by three young boys. They were ahead of me in line, and I was picturing a twenty-minute wait as the boys yelled, punched, kicked, spit, and generally did everything that boys do when they get together, which typically doesn't include ordering a sandwich. The lady, however, graciously told me that I could go in front of her in line, which I greatly appreciated. The boys didn’t seem to mind. They were too busy yelling, punching, kicking, and spitting.

So whoever you were, thanks ma’am! You were as helpful as the gym next door!