The Ultimate Farmer's Tan, And Other Topics

I have a farmer’s tan.

Now, that in itself would not typically be newsworthy, but you have to understand one thing: it is a truly impressive farmer’s tan. In fact, it’s my best ever. The contrast between the tan and un-tanned portions of me is truly astounding, to the point where if I went shirtless it would, without a doubt, blind you, not to mention cause you to squeal in terror as you swerved off of the road in self-defense, assuming you were driving a car at the time, of course.

While I normally have a decent farmer’s tan, this is one I’m truly proud of, and I owe it all to moving to Minnesota. You see, I’ve gotten more sun in the last three weeks than I probably have in my entire tenure in Wisconsin, simply because of the multitude of opportunities I now have for outdoor activities.

(At first I felt like a vampire when I saw the sunlight. I would cover my eyes and growl ferociously, which is what a person naturally does when they expect to burst into flames. However, I’ve gotten used to it, which is good, because coffins are quite expensive and my black cape is not very comfortable.)

That is not the only thing that’s changed. Another example is that I don’t read anymore. I used to. A lot. Now, I haven’t read a book in quite some time, mainly because I’m too busy being outside. In fact, I still haven’t found a library in Minnesota yet, which wouldn’t be surprising if I was just getting lost, but it’s because I haven’t even yet tried.

I also used to follow the news, mainly because there wasn’t much else to do. It got to the point where I was actually following politics. I got to know all of the talk show hosts and their varying personalities, which can be boiled down to the following sample set: loud and obnoxious, loud and obnoxious, loud and obnoxious, insightful and balanced (but soon to be cancelled). I also figured out that pretty much all politicians are useless, mainly because they are, by definition, politicians. However, now, I’m falling behind on current events. For example, I have no idea the specifics of how one political party is undoubtedly taking something completely out of context just to try and smear the other, all in retaliation for the other party doing the same thing to them at some earlier point in time. Heck, I also haven’t even flipped over to MSNBC lately just to watch Keith Olbermann go into a barely-controlled rant, just to see if this was going to be the time where his head would actually explode.

Not that I’m complaining, mind you. Everything I’ve given up are things I can do when I’m an old geezer, wandering around aimlessly because I lost my car keys weeks ago and have no idea where I live. Now, it’s time to live for the moment. For example, playing volleyball, which I’ve been able to take up again after roughly a seven year sabbatical. I’ve even expanded my game this summer, so now I’m ambidextrous up at the net. (I can spike just as weakly with either hand!!)

So, to put it shortly, I may be regressing as a person, but I’m having a lot of fun doing it. Just don’t invite me to a pool party. You may burn your eyes out.