Red Light

There were a few things I wasn’t sure how I would adjust to once I moved to the Twin Cities, such as the vast numbers of people, the traffic, the weather, etc. However, after about a month of living here I can say with confidence that I’ve managed to adjust rather well.

Well, there is that one little thing. It’s no big deal, really, besides the fact that that it is most likely going to drive me completely insane within the next week or so. I am referring to, of course, the stoplights. They’re everywhere! It’s not just that, though. It’s the fact that they regularly last longer than a standard nine inning baseball game! So, when I'm sitting at one for what seems like hours it quickly wears on my last nerve, and I soon find myself wondering if walking wouldn’t be a less stressful option, not to mention faster.

In order to better illustrate my frustration, I now present to you a slightly over dramatized, complete with stilted language, version of the thoughts that run through my head when I have to stop at a red light on my way to work. You tell me how stretched thin my sanity is.

Red light! Dang it! Oh well, judging from the amount of cars in front of me, it’s been red for a while. Good. It’ll turn soon.

Hmmm, the song on the radio is pretty good, albeit slightly overproduced, like so much out of Nashville these days.

Whoa, the guy in the car next to me looks like Gargamel from the Smurfs!

I’ll bet most people nowadays wouldn’t even get a good Gargamel reference. Sad for them, I guess.

Time to close the ol’ window, now that somebody blaring rap has pulled up next to me.

All right stoplight, you can turn green any decade now!

Huh. I wonder if by using unnecessarily high-handed language in my blog I am unintentionally turning off potential readers because they see it as a symptom of a superiority complex?

Uh-oh. Did I forget my lunch? AAARRRGGGHHH! I cannot imagine anything worse happening right now! Why me? WHYYYYYY!!??

Oh wait, its right here. Phew! Good ol’ P B & J .....I’m glad you’re here... I’ll see you later...

Good grief! I may run out of gas if this light doesn’t change soon!

I wonder if my constant references to the 80’s are being found as witty and charming by the younger folks, or if I’m just viewed as being weird because of them? I don’t care, though! MacGyver must live on forever! Also, the A-Team.

Amarillo by morning.... up from San Antone... Everything that I’ve got... Is just what I’ve got onnnnnn.... Man, I should learn to play the fiddle. Or hire somebody to walk around behind me playing the fiddle.

Are you kidding me!? I think my best bet of moving is to hope for a freak tornado to form so it can pick up my car and toss me across the intersection!!!

Wait a minute... waitaminute! Am I losing my hair?... let me look in the rearview....Nope! Good as ever! Boy, was I worried there for a minute! What a relief!

Wow. That old lady in the walker in the walker on the sidewalk is moving faster than I am right now.

THAT’S IT!!!! If this doesn’t change in the next few moments I’m going to lose it! I’ll jump the curb and shoot across the intersection! I won’t even look for cars!! Who cares??!! Ha ha! It’ll be fun!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

{The light turns green}

Oh thank goodness! I think I almost went crazy there. Oh well, here we go again. Wow, this is so much better. Boy, I’ll bet my blood pressure is through the roof! Double wow, my hands are sweaty and I’m shaking uncontrollably! Good thing I’m done with that ordeal! Soon I’ll be tucked away in my cubicle and I won’t have to worry about stuff like this for a long…. Hey! Why is everybody stopping up there? Oh no!! It can't be! Another stoplight? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!