The Junk Food Walk Of Shame

I trudge up to the cashier, my eyes fixed intently on the floor in front of my feet. There are only two other customers in the convenience store, but it feels like I’m standing on the fifty-yard line during the Superbowl, with all eyes fixated upon me. I pile all of my soon-to-be-purchases onto the counter before the cashier. I avoid his gaze, electing instead to pretend to brush some lint off of my jacket.

“Any gas outside, sir?”

“No,” I mumble weakly. “Just this.”

“All right.”

He’s judging me. I can feel it!

After I pay for my purchases, I hurriedly exit the store, my head still down, hoping that I don’t run into anybody I know. I make it to my car, open it, and unload everything onto the passenger seat. I stare at it in all of its artificial glory. My goodness, that’s a ridiculous amount of calories!

Yes, the junk food walk of shame (JFWOS) is indeed an embarrassing thing to have to endure. Who wants to be seen basically admitting to the world that they have no self control whatsoever? Definitely not me! Yet why is it that I still finding myself doing it? I mean, it’s not rocket science: Junk food is bad for you. It gives you love handles, which can quickly turn into love life rafts. This leads to you becoming a contestant on the Biggest Loser, where trainers yell at you and make you run on a treadmill until you throw up. I don’t know about you, but that’s something I’d rather avoid.

Perhaps I’m being a bit dramatic. I mean, I have gotten much better at avoiding the JFWOS over the years. I can now have multiple successful outings in a row where I muster the willpower not to succumb to the temptations of junk food, which seem to lurk just about everywhere. (“A vending machine in the car wash? Awesome!!”) However, there are still times when I leave the store carrying roughly half of the Little Debbie selection, a confused look plastered on my face. All I came here for was toothpaste! Where did all of this stuff come from? And why didn’t I buy the toothpaste?

I have no illusions of ever triumphing outright over this. I realize that it’s going to be a never-ending battle. So, with that in mind, I think that it’d be nice to have a little extra help. My idea is that you should be able to pre-register yourself via your credit card as a “Junk Food Junkie.” When your credit card is then swiped at a store, the cashier will be notified of your membership. If you’re trying to buy junk food, the cashier is then allowed to use any means necessary to discourage you from your purchases, which will hopefully both amuse them and abort your pending sugar binge:

Cashier: (staring at the screen and then at the pile of junk food on the counter) What are you, some kind of idiot?”

Me: (trying to hide behind the stack of junk food) Yes.

Cashier: You do realize that this is a horrible idea, right?

Me: Yes.

Cashier: Yet you still want to go through with it?

Me: (sadly) Yes.

Cashier: Do you want me to smack you in the face and refuse to sell you this?

Me: Yes.

SMACK!

Cashier: Now get out of here and leave this garbage behind!

Me: (checking for lost teeth) Thanks. I owe you one.

I like this idea. In fact, I’d definitely sign up for the program. Heck, I’d even take it a step further and probably quit my job and start working as a cashier at a gas station. How fun would that be?