Something To Look Forward To

At least I have something to look forward to.

During my trip to Arizona, we ended up eating out for breakfast on numerous occasions. (It’s vacation! Cold Pop Tarts weren’t going to cut it anymore!) During this time I noticed several things that each of the restaurants had in common:

• The customer base was made up almost entirely of old men.
• These old men sat around, argued, drank coffee, read the paper, and generally acted like they had absolutely nothing going on that could conceivably make them leave their booth or stool at any point during the current presidential administration.
• The old men flirted shamelessly with every single waitress.
• The old men said anything they wanted to, regardless of how outrageously offensive it was.

Now, there’s a lesson to be learned here, and it is this: Sure, getting old won’t be a picnic, but you have to take advantage of the hand you’re dealt. That’s what these guys were doing.

First, when you’re old, you get to hang out in cafes all the time, since you're retired and you’re wife probably would rather have you there than messing up her clean house or complaining about the price of a gallon of gas.

Also, when you’re an old man, you’re allowed to flirt shamelessly with waitresses. Try it when you’re forty or fifty and you’re creepy. Do it when you’re eighty and it’s okay. It’s sort of like a benefit you’re afforded simply for making it that far.

The same logic applies to old men being able to say just about whatever they want. They can cuss and spit and say inappropriate things and people just laugh and politely cover their children’s ears. Who’s to tell them no? They lived through the depression! It takes them a half-hour to get out of bed! They can do whatever they want!

When you’re old, you’re also allowed to eat anything you want, such as bacon covered cinnamon buns, lightly garnished with ground up bacon, all floating in a shimmering pool of maple syrup. The logic there is, heck, if you’ve made it this far, you may as well enjoy things from here on out! That means no more broccoli! Heck, no more anything green! Not to mention that anything low-fat can kiss your wrinkly behind!

So, with all of that being said, am I looking forward to being an old geezer? Not particularly. But when I get there, I plan to be like these guys. At least, that is, if I can remember all of this. We'll just have to see how the ol' memory will be doing....