Choosing My Spirit Animal

Recently, I was at a social gathering where the conversation turned to determining each attendee’s spirit animal. Now, this is a topic that I’d never spent much time, if any, considering in the past, and it immediately piqued my intellectual curiosity, by which I mean I instantly began to hope that somebody would end up being a duck-billed platypus. (Unfortunately, it never happened.)

When the focus turned to me, I sort of knew what was going to happen, and sure enough, it didn’t take long before I was dubbed a bald eagle.

I get it, I get it. A BALD eagle. Talk about your low-hanging fruit.

Now, I fully realize that I should be happy with the selection. After all, the bald eagle is synonymous with strength and courage, not to mention it’s a symbol of our country. However, it still seemed like an uninspired choice, and more importantly, it just didn’t feel like me.

A few days later, being a bald eagle was still on the back of my mind. (The back of my mind, for the record, has an awful lot of free time on its hands.) By then, I’d become convinced that I was something else. For one thing, I don’t like fish. For another, I’m not big on heights. Plus, I always clip my nails before they have a chance to turn into talons. And so, with the topic weighing heavily on my mind, I brought up the matter to a couple of good friends, and I mentioned to them that one of the suggestions before bald eagle had been owl.

Almost immediately, both of them agreed that I was much more an owl than I was a bald eagle. I asked them why, and the general consensus was that owls are deliberate and wise, which seemed to fit me pretty well. (Now, I must admit that I have a sneaking suspicion they were using “wise” and “old” interchangeably, but sometimes you just have to take what you can get.)

An owl. I liked it. It felt right. I mean, after all, who did the kid turn to in order to figure out how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Why that fountain of knowledge himself, Mr. Owl!

The next day, on a whim, I decided to do some research on owls. (Hmm…now that I think about it, most of my mind has an awful lot of free time on its hands.) This was when I found the following:

“Are owls the smartest birds? According to trainers that work with them, not by a long shot. Parrots are easy to train and can have extensive vocabularies. Hawks can be taught to retrieve objects. Even pigeons are used in behavioral studies and can be conditioned to obtain a reward by carrying out certain actions. But most species of owls can't be trained to do even the most rudimentary tasks.”

Uh-oh. Maybe being a bald eagle wasn’t such a bad thing.

Reading on, I discovered that owls really aren’t wise at all. They just look wise. For one thing, they have large eyes, which helps them to appear intelligent. For another, since those eyes are located on the front of their faces, they have to turn their heads in order to see anything not right in front of them, which makes it look like they're wisely taking in all aspects of their surroundings, even if they're just trying to figure out where they dropped their car keys.

At first I was a bit disappointed. My spirit animal was a fraud! However, it soon dawned on me that I actually am kind of an owl. I mean, I’ve been in the workforce for over a decade now, with no clue as to what’s going on, and I’m quite certain I’ve made it this far only because I do my best to look like I know what’s going on. Here are a few of my owlish secrets:

1.) Always carry around a notepad. (Mine is usually filled with doodles, but nobody has to know that.)

2.) Whenever you’re away from your desk, stride meaningfully about, like you’re about to swoop in and put an end to some company-wide crisis. (Even if you’re only on your way to the vending machine.)

3.) Always squint like you’re thinking deeply about some ultra-important matter of high importance. (Even if you’re just trying to figure out where you dropped your car keys.)

And so, I eventually came to the conclusion that an owl was a pretty good fit for me after all. Case closed!

Except then I went and tempted fate by taking two quizzes on the internet that claim to determine one's spirit animal, and according to them I was:

1) A lion.
2) A buffalo.

The heck with it. I’m sticking with owl. I mean, hoo believes anything they read on the internet, anyway?

Thoughts On Facial Hair

Roughly eight months ago, I decided to grow some facial hair, and for the record, it wasn’t a decision I took lightly. In fact, it was something I’d been resisting for quite some time. Let me explain. As most of you may know, I’m what’s considered in the more intellectual circles to be “folically challenged” (and “bald as a cue ball” in others), and as a result, over the last few years I’ve taken to shaving my head. Now, at some point I realized that a lot of men in the same situation as me seemed to have grown facial hair in order to sort of even things out, and so, because I’m a very stubborn person, I quickly decided that I was never going to become one of them. Heck no, I’d accept my fate with dignity! I wasn’t going to freak out and overcompensate by growing some massive beard that would instantly make operating pencil sharpeners, paper shredders, and even rogue can openers, a potentially dangerous activity that could land me on YouTube as a viral sensation.

But then, as time passed, I came to realize two important things. The first was that shaving one’s head is quite time consuming, not to mention incredibly boring. (If you’ve never done it, I highly recommend you give it a try, even if you’re female. It’ll allow you to get a better understanding of where I’m coming from here, and I can also laugh at you hysterically the next time we cross paths.)
The second, and more important, thing that I realized was that my head was just plain boring, by which I mean it sort of looked like a giant big toe that wore glasses.

I soon reasoned that facial hair would help to mitigate both problems. I’d have less shaving to do in total, and it’d also give my face another dimension. (The dimension of fuzz.) It was still a tough decision, but after much deliberation, which included several pros and cons lists, multiple Venn diagrams, a few rough sketches, and at least one flowchart, I finally decided to make my move.

Now, growing facial hair is always embarrassing, because at first it just seems like you’re too lazy to shave more than once a week. However, I circumvented this issue by growing mine while on vacation. It was a tactically brilliant move – probably ranking somewhere in my personal Top 10 –  with the only downside being that everybody on the Oregon coast and northern California now thinks that I’m too lazy to shave more than once a week.

Still, it was worth it, because this simple act begat incredible results, basically transforming me into an entirely different person! No longer was I a giant big toe that wore glasses! No, that was but a thing of the past! Instead, I’d been transformed into – and please keep in mind here that this went well beyond my wildest dreams – a giant big toe with glasses that had forgotten to wipe away a smudge of dirt! Now if that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!

And so, as you can probably guess, eight months later I’m pretty satisfied with my decision. In fact, as a bonus, I’ve also discovered that facial hair has a couple of additional advantages I hadn’t even known about. First, I strongly believe that it makes me look tougher, as I now seem to be scaring more children than usual, and second, it can be used as an impromptu mop in a pinch. (And don’t even get me started on its usefulness as a steel wool replacement.)

On the flip side, however, I’ve also discovered it has one big disadvantage, which is that it’s basically a giant magnet for foreign particles, such as food, insects, and small pieces of building material. It’s gotten to the point where I know it’s just a matter of time before I end up having the following conversation:

Person A: Wow, your beard is really turning gray!
Me: (surprised) It is?                                                              
Person A: Yeah, and it happened quick, too! Like over the last few days!
Me: Hold on…wait a minute…let me see here…nope, that’s just toothpaste!
Person A: Ewww!
Me: Say, why is your name Person A, anyway?
Person A: I’m leaving.

But still, I believe that overall it’s been an overwhelmingly positive experience, and I’m quite certain that I’ll stick with it. Just as long as you do me a favor and let me know when I need to wipe away the toothpaste. Thanks in advance.

On Favorite Shirts

Most of us have a favorite shirt. You know the one; it’s comfortable, roomy, and slimming, and when you put it on you feel like everything is right with the world. In addition, since we tend to hang on to our favorite shirts as long as we can, there’s also a pretty good chance that it’s incredibly old and falling apart, to the point where if you were to give it to a homeless man for clothing, he’d probably cringe and use it for nothing more than blowing his nose.

Personally, I don’t remember many of my favorite shirts from my childhood. However, I do recall that once my mom made me a Spider-Man costume for Halloween that I thought was the best thing ever, and I think I wore it for many days afterwards. So I assume I was a super-hero shirt guy. Also, this picture tends to support that theory:

As an adult, my favorite shirts have tended to come from concerts that I’ve attended. One was purchased at the Alabama Farewell Tour stop in Milwaukee. It was actually a pretty cheesy shirt, as it included a giant picture of all four band members on the back, but I still loved it, and I wore it all the time. Eventually, however, after many years it basically fell apart, and if I ever wore it in public after that, people assumed that I’d either survived a plane crash or had just escaped from being buried alive, and they kept trying to take me to the hospital. So, unfortunately, I had to retire it.

Luckily, I’ve been able to replace it with a shirt I bought at a Blackhawk concert. For those of you who don’t know, Blackhawk was a semi-popular band back in the nineties who’s still touring to this day, despite the fact that they’re getting pretty old. (We’ve started to call them “Fathawk”) Still, they put on a darn good show, and so, during a concert I attended in the Twin Cities a few years back, I felt obliged to buy one of their shirts, and it’s turned out to be one of the better moves of my life. (Maybe that says more about my life than it does the shirt.)

I’m not sure why I like it so much. Perhaps it’s the simplicity, as it’s all black, save the stylized word “Blackhawk” and a small logo on the front. It’s definitely a lot less gaudy than the Alabama shirt, which was purchased during my younger and wilder days. Since then, however, as I’ve grown older, I’ve become drawn to blending into my surrounding, as opposed to sticking out, and the Blackhawk shirt is a good reflection of that soon-I’ll-be-a-cranky-curmudgeon-nobody-wants-to-associate-with attitude.

However, there is a bit of a problem. You see, even though the Blackhawk shirt is pretty low-key, I still feel like I’m past the age where I want to walk around advertising a musical act. (The exception to this rule is my George Strait hoodie, but you have to make exceptions when it comes to George Strait.) So, I never actually wear the Blackshirt shirt unless it's under flannel or sweatshirts, which means that nobody actually ever sees it. Now, this is totally fine with me, but I just find it a bit ironic that my favorite shirt is one that nobody knows exists.

Anyway, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that if you ever see me wearing a flannel or a hoodie, feel free to ask me if I’m wearing the Blackhawk shirt underneath. If you do, then I’ll know that you actually read this blog, and I’ll probably give you a big hug for being so supportive.

So until then, Goodbye Says it All!

My 2014 Christmas Letter

Dear friends, family, and random people of the internet,

I’ve yet in my life to write a Christmas letter recapping the events of the year, and so I’ve decided that it’s about time I gave it a whirl. (In addition, I also hope to gift somebody a fruitcake, watch the movie “A Christmas Story,” and participate in an Ugly Sweater party. Yes, my plan is to become a walking Christmas cliché.)

Knowing very little about writing Christmas letters, I’ve turned to the internet for help, specifically an article that boasts “seven tips for sparkling Christmas letters,” because who wants to be the author of a Christmas letter if it’s anything but sparkling? Not me!!

And so, without further ado, I now present to you My 2014 Christmas Letter, inspired by seven random tips from the internet:

Tip 1: Start off on a positive note, not a whimper about the passage of time.

Hooorrrayyy!!!!! I made it through 2014 without getting Ebola! Also, not once did I get mauled by a bear, dumped overboard from a moving freighter, or forget my car while going through a carwash!!!! I’m not sure I could even ask for anything more!!

Tip 2: Write in your own voice. You'll bring a breath of fresh air--and a happy echo of your own personality--to your letter.

Avast matey! In addition to what was already said, this year I also killed the white whale, avoided walking the plank, and got a new peg leg! Unfortunately, I also got scurvy, but I still pulled through! Note to self: Eat more oranges in 2015! Arrrrrrrrrr!

Wait, that’s not my voice… hold on for a minute, and let me see if I can find it…

Well, pilgrims, it’s sure been one of the rootinist, tootinist years ever! In fact, I plum can’t remember one that’s ever been better! Heck, I don’t think I was even caught in a single stampede!

Dang it! Hang on… one more try…

Christmas? CHRISTMAS?! Bah! Humbug!

Never mind. I’d better move on to the next tip…

Tip 3: Keep your audience in mind.

Uh-oh. I have no idea who my audience is, or what they’d want to hear from me. Self-absorbed pontifications that go on seemingly forever? Childish booger jokes? Meandering anecdotes with no point? Who knows? So, I guess I’ll just skip ahead to…

Tip 4: Resist the urge to embellish.

I need to be honest with you: While it was a pretty good year, based solely on the fact that I’m still alive, I actually accomplished little that I’m particularly proud of. I mean, I guess I grew facial hair, but that’s about it. Oh, and I almost always remembered pants when leaving the house. But really, there’s not much more.

Tip 5: Be selective about photos. One or two great shots that illustrate your text are much better than an over-the-top photo barrage.

I went on one trip in 2014. Here’s a picture of a deserted airport runway that I got to walk on during a hike in Oregon. It was pretty cool:

Also, since it’s been a while since I’ve done this, here’s a picture of a slug I once took, even though it has nothing to do with 2014.

Tip 6: Make it personnel. Be sure that the recipient can feel your warm--and personal—regard.

Before I forget, I’d like to express my warmest and most personal regards to each and every one of you who has taken the time to read this letter.

Tip 7: Shorter is Sweeter:

Well, it seems to me that this is plenty long enough. So, see ya later!

Oh, and Merry Christmas!

A Brief History Of My Vision Correction

If I were ever to write an autobiography, one of the main threads holding it all together would be the evolution of the various methods of vision correction I’ve employed over the years. Granted, this means that it would undoubtedly be a terrible book, but they say you should write what you know, so what other choice would I have? (I mean, besides the entire chapter dedicated to napping, and perhaps another on cheese?)

However, since I’ll probably never get around to writing my life’s story, I’ve decided to give you a condensed version of the history of my vision correction right now. Think of it as an early Christmas present. Or the literary equivalent of a mail bomb. Your choice.

Let’s begin way back in my elementary school days, which is when my eyes first began to fail. Being the ever-astute and observant child I was, I had absolutely no idea that this was happening, as I was far too busy bumping into things to have time to notice. Eventually, however, my parents realized that I’d begun to continually employ the poor man’s glasses, which is to say I was always squinting at stuff. Being the loving individuals they are, and also not wanting me going around looking like I was perpetually constipated, they brought me to the eye doctor, and soon after I was the owner of a new pair of glasses.

What a revolutionary development! I could see again! I’d just kind of assumed that a perpetual fog had descended over the world during the third grade, but now everything was clear and sharp and focused! Heck, I was even bumping into far fewer things! Hooray!

The road ahead, however, wouldn’t be all sunshine and unicorns, because soon after, the inherent destructive power present in all boys began to take its toll, resulting in the bending, scratching, and downright mangling of more than one pair of glasses. To put it another way, I’m pretty sure that if rotary phones had speed dial, the eye doctor’s office would have been number one on the list. (I’m quite certain that my parents single-handedly paid for an entire new wing on the man’s house.)

The worst was when I played my sport of choice: basketball. You see, the way it was done in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan employed neither talent nor grace. Instead, we just fouled each other until it was time for supper, and needless to say, this blunt style of play led directly to the destruction of multiple pairs of glasses.

And so, we now arrive at the era of the Sports Goggles of Doom. I have written extensively on this topic before, so I won’t get into the details here. All I’ll say is that while they were wonderfully effective in terms of not getting broken, they also had the sleekness and elegance generally associated with a dump truck rolling down a hill, and were probably heavier.

Eventually, spurred on by an almost manic desire to get rid of the Sports Goggles of Doom, I decided to try out contacts, which, as it turns out, are much better options than glasses, assuming, of course, that one is able to figure out how to get them in and out, which was something that took me far longer than I’d care to admit to master. Eventually, however, I figured it out, and I was suddenly able to play sports without having to worry about causing my parents to go broke! Plus, I no longer had to deal with glasses that fogged up every time I got onto the warm school bus after standing out in the cold, which invariably left me stumbling down the aisle and hoping that the seat I’d eventually choose didn’t already have somebody sitting in it.

While still a huge upgrade from glasses, contacts still presented a few problems:

• If I ever napped with them in, my eyes would dry out and turn red, and upon waking it'd feel pretty much the same as if I’d jammed rocks into them as a means of vision correction.
• Sometimes, one would slip off and roll up way behind my eye. Actually, on second though, that was always kind of cool.
• To put them in, I always needed to have a mirror handy, and if one wasn’t available, I’d just randomly stab at my eyes until I started to cry and then give up.

Over the years, I’ve exclusively used 30 day contacts, which in theory means they should last a month before needing to be replaced, but which in reality means that after 10 days of wear and tear they start to feel a bit uncomfortable, and after 30 you may as well be pouring hot sauce directly into your eyes.

Recently, however, I’ve discovered daily contacts, which, as you can probably guess, you only use once. This is almost as revolutionary as when I first got glasses. Contacts feel great the first time you put them in, as they’re fresh and new, and now I get to feel that each time I wear them! Plus, it’s a wonderful thing to take them out in the evening and throw them away without having to clean and store them. “Ha ha!!” I’ll yell, as I drop them into the garbage. “I’ve just saved thirty seconds of my life, which I’ll more than likely waste on social media!!!”

So, needless to say, I’m pretty happy. However, I still sometimes find myself wondering, are daily contacts the final solution? Or should I consider something else, something, shall we say, a bit more dramatic?

Yes, I’m thinking about Lasik, mainly because everybody I know who’s had it says it was the best thing they’ve ever done. However, none of them have ever won the lottery or become kings or queens of small island nations, so it’s hard to say what they're comparing it against.

Still, even if it’s the miracle that everybody claims it is, I have to admit that I'm kind of a chicken when it comes to having elective surgery done on my peepers, and the main reason I’m writing this now is to build up my motivation to grow a spine and do it. I mean, how much damage can a laser do to your eyes anyway? Wait, don’t answer that.

And so here I sit, lost in indecision, which means that maybe I should turn it over to you, my wonderful audience. What do you think? Should I let ‘em zap my eyes and see how it all turns out? I mean, no matter what, it has to be better than the Sports Goggles of Doom, right?

Right?

O Christmas Tree

As a child, one of the best times of the year was when the Christmas tree went up, as it was an undeniable sign of the impending mass distribution of free loot by some crazy old man who lived at the North Pole and ran one heck of a non-profit organization.

As an adult, however, I’ve never really felt the same way about Christmas trees. I have absolutely nothing against them, mind you, it’s just that they're no longer a requirement for my continued enjoyment of the holidays. (At this stage of my life, my enjoyment requirements are mostly fudge and peppermint based.)

Not surprisingly, never once in my life have I erected a full-sized Christmas tree in my home. It’s just always seemed a little silly to me that we bring a piece of nature (or perhaps a prefabricated piece of nature) into the warm, cozy domiciles that we’ve built for the express purpose of avoiding nature. I mean, by that logic, why stop with just a tree? Why not import enough nature so things get interesting? (“Good morning Christmas tree! Good morning moss-ridden log! Good morning flesh-shredding patch of thorny brambles! Good morning Mr. Bear. Would you like some coffee? Wait – Mr. Bear?”)

Look, I’ll freely admit there’s also a Bah-Humbug factor in play here, but my point still stands.

However, I’m not entirely hopeless, and in the words of one Mr. Red Green: “I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to…I guess.” And so, in an attempt to alleviate both the implicit and explicit social pressures I’ve been feeling over my lack of Christmas decorations, I now have a prefabricated piece of nature (I.E. an uglificial tree) proudly standing in my living room.

Please, hold your applause until the end.

Now, keep in mind that this was an emotionally draining process. Not only did I have to reverse years of my own deeply-rooted personal tradition – which in itself can sap the will out of any man –  but I also had to figure out how to assemble it without getting one or both eyes poked out by rogue branches. Needless to say, by the time I was finished I barely had the energy to keep from collapsing onto the floor and staying there until mid-January.

That brings me to my next point: After I’d expended nearly every ounce of my life force erecting the tree, it then dawned on me that I still had to trim it.

I couldn’t have expressed it better myself.

Currently, I have a total of five ornaments. They are:

• A hand-crafted ninja.
• Darth Vader wearing a Santa hat.
• A skillet containing bacon and eggs.
• A minion wearing a Santa hat.
• A stuffed Chewbacca that roars in a hilarious manner upon being squeezed. (It actually isn’t an ornament at all, and is being pressed into service only because it amuses me so.)

Now, while we can all admit that this is by far the most fantastic core grouping of ornaments a person could ever ask for, it’s obvious they can’t decorate an entire tree on their own. So I’m going to need more. However, I’ve decided that I’m not going to sacrifice quality for quantity, and by that I mean I’m not going to rush out and purchase a boatload of random ornaments just to fill out the tree. Oh no, each and every piece of potential décor will have to be deemed acceptable via a painstakingly-detailed review process consisting of making sure it satisfies at least one of the following conditions:

• If it’s store-bought, it must be at least as amazing as the bacon-and-eggs ornament. (Which is a pretty tall order.)
• If it’s hand-made, it must have been done so with love. Also, it can't have lots of pointy pieces, as I've had my fill of those putting up the tree in the first place.

Now, I realize that due to this rigid stance, my tree may not actually get fully trimmed this year. However, I refuse to compromise, and if December 25^th rolls around and I have the most pathetic looking prefabricated piece of nature ever in my living room, it’ll be just fine with me. After all, I’m a man, and I can change, if I have to, but I’ll be darned if I’m caught dead with a tree with substandard ornaments in my living room.

You may now applaud.

Thoughts From An Introvert

On many occasions in the past I’ve referred to myself as a “reserved Finlander,” which has not only been my way of honoring my ancestry, but also to explain why my blood composition is, at this point, roughly 50 percent coffee, and also why I do my best to never draw undue attention upon myself.

In general, Finns are known for their caution, reserve, and silence. (In fact, calling myself a “reserved” Finlander is probably redundant.) This Finn stereotype is very well-known, to the point where you can find quite a few good jokes about it on the internet:

You know you’ve been in Finland too long when “No comment” becomes a conversation strategy.

Two Finns, the best of friends, were taking a sauna. The first Finn asks the second how he is. An hour later, during which time neither Finn has spoken, the second replies: "Are we here to babble or to take a sauna?"

And my personnel favorite…

Did you hear about the Finnish husband who loved his wife so much that he almost told her?

Like the subjects of these jokes, I too am cautious, reserved, and silent, and until recently I’d never really thought that much about it beyond the fact that is was simply my heritage showing through. However, I've now only realized that this places me – along with the stereotypical Finn – into the category of a Grade A introvert.

I’d never really pondered the topic of introverts vs. extraverts before, but when I finally did, I soon found this: “Introverted people make their own energy and, rather than taking it from others, give it on social contact. This means that they naturally find most interaction exhausting and need time to recharge.”

As I read this my eyes got wide, and I started to point frantically at the screen and hoot in an unintelligible manner. It explained a lot of things, especially my not wanting to talk to, or make eye contact with, anybody ever, along with my nearly-overwhelming desire to never leave the house unless it’s actively on fire.

But that wasn’t all. It explained a whole lot more, including, but not limited to, the following:

1.) Sometimes on a Saturday, it’ll be around 8:00 pm and I’ll realize that I haven’t talked out loud since sometime on Friday. At this point, realizing that it’s been a near-perfect day, I’ll execute an enthusiastic fist pump and yell, “Yes!!” (Except since I haven’t talked all day, it will sound more like, “Ythhhhh!”)

2.) Not that I don’t like people, mind you. Sure, I may ignore them for the most part, especially those I’m not great friends with, but it’s just that introverts are terrible at small talk, and sometimes it’s easier to say nothing at all than it is to try to come up with something that doesn’t sound completely ridiculous. (“Um… so… are those shoes comfortable?”)

3.) While I don’t go out of my way to insert myself into large crowds, I don’t really mind them, just as long as nobody is paying attention to me. However, if I were ever to be at a baseball game and the cameras panning the crowd suddenly projected my face up onto the big screen, I’m pretty sure my immediate reaction would be to go into the fetal position and whimper for several hours. (Much like what happens when I’m up to bat while playing softball and I notice that the entire other team is looking directly at me from their defensive positions.)

4.) If it were up to me, spotlights would be banned.

5.) While at a large social gathering, I generally find myself annoyed by whoever had taken up the mantle of Life Of The Party. From a dark corner I’ll be thinking, “Who does he think he is, being entertaining and generally making this an enjoyable experience for everybody involved??!!”

6.) During said large social gathering, as I hide in a dark corner and get more and more annoyed, I tend to take on the characteristics of a statue, although usually a bit less animated. However, the smaller the crowd is at a given social gathering, the more interactive I get, to the point where if it's ever made up of only a handful of people, I actually become quite rambunctious. (Side note: “rambunctious” is now one of my favorite words.)

7.) Also, when I’m by myself I’m basically the most fun person on the face of the earth, although you’re just going to have to trust me on that one.

8.) In my opinion, if a social gathering has to consist of more than 4-6 people, the ideal place for it to occur would be in a building consisting of multiple small rooms, all of which hold only 4-6 people and preferably also have coffee brewing.

9.) I have no problems going on solo road trips. They’re quiet, incredibly relaxing, and there’s never any external demands on my schedule. Also, nobody will ever know if I eat an entire family-sized bag of peanut butter cups.

10.) A good day at work for me is one where nobody bugs me, and also where I don’t have to speak up during a meeting that has more than five attendees.

11.) Being on the receiving end of any amount of focused attention is bad, even if that attention is for something positive. For example, if I ever received a rousing round of applause for something, I’d most likely have no recourse but to create a distraction, possibly through the use of smoke bombs, and then run away.

12.) After I die, a best case scenario would be that I’d be buried in a nondescript location without any sort of tombstone. However, if that weren't possible, my second choice is to be buried somewhere that anybody wanting to visit me would have to first hike twenty miles over a snowcapped mountain peak, then ford several raging rivers, and finally climb over a barbed wire fence just to find my grave, at which point they’d see the following inscribed on my tombstone: “Mind Your Own Business.” (Which is also what I want the entirety of my obituary to read.)

**********

Overall, after some thought, I've decided that I don't really mind being an introvert. In fact, I like that I don’t ever have to be the center of attention, and also that it doesn’t take much for me to keep myself amused for extended periods of time. (“Hey, a book! My weekend is planned! And also possibly March!”) It keeps things pretty simple, and I’m a big believer in simple.

In closing, I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies to anybody I’ve ever ignored for what seemed to be no good reason at all. You probably thought that I was just being a jerk, but most likely I’d already expended too much energy on being social and was “charging my batteries.”

Now, with that being said, go away and leave me alone. I’m exhausted.

How true.