Thoughts On Facial Hair

Roughly eight months ago, I decided to grow some facial hair, and for the record, it wasn’t a decision I took lightly. In fact, it was something I’d been resisting for quite some time. Let me explain. As most of you may know, I’m what’s considered in the more intellectual circles to be “folically challenged” (and “bald as a cue ball” in others), and as a result, over the last few years I’ve taken to shaving my head. Now, at some point I realized that a lot of men in the same situation as me seemed to have grown facial hair in order to sort of even things out, and so, because I’m a very stubborn person, I quickly decided that I was never going to become one of them. Heck no, I’d accept my fate with dignity! I wasn’t going to freak out and overcompensate by growing some massive beard that would instantly make operating pencil sharpeners, paper shredders, and even rogue can openers, a potentially dangerous activity that could land me on YouTube as a viral sensation.

But then, as time passed, I came to realize two important things. The first was that shaving one’s head is quite time consuming, not to mention incredibly boring. (If you’ve never done it, I highly recommend you give it a try, even if you’re female. It’ll allow you to get a better understanding of where I’m coming from here, and I can also laugh at you hysterically the next time we cross paths.)
The second, and more important, thing that I realized was that my head was just plain boring, by which I mean it sort of looked like a giant big toe that wore glasses.

I soon reasoned that facial hair would help to mitigate both problems. I’d have less shaving to do in total, and it’d also give my face another dimension. (The dimension of fuzz.) It was still a tough decision, but after much deliberation, which included several pros and cons lists, multiple Venn diagrams, a few rough sketches, and at least one flowchart, I finally decided to make my move.

Now, growing facial hair is always embarrassing, because at first it just seems like you’re too lazy to shave more than once a week. However, I circumvented this issue by growing mine while on vacation. It was a tactically brilliant move – probably ranking somewhere in my personal Top 10 –  with the only downside being that everybody on the Oregon coast and northern California now thinks that I’m too lazy to shave more than once a week.

Still, it was worth it, because this simple act begat incredible results, basically transforming me into an entirely different person! No longer was I a giant big toe that wore glasses! No, that was but a thing of the past! Instead, I’d been transformed into – and please keep in mind here that this went well beyond my wildest dreams – a giant big toe with glasses that had forgotten to wipe away a smudge of dirt! Now if that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!

And so, as you can probably guess, eight months later I’m pretty satisfied with my decision. In fact, as a bonus, I’ve also discovered that facial hair has a couple of additional advantages I hadn’t even known about. First, I strongly believe that it makes me look tougher, as I now seem to be scaring more children than usual, and second, it can be used as an impromptu mop in a pinch. (And don’t even get me started on its usefulness as a steel wool replacement.)

On the flip side, however, I’ve also discovered it has one big disadvantage, which is that it’s basically a giant magnet for foreign particles, such as food, insects, and small pieces of building material. It’s gotten to the point where I know it’s just a matter of time before I end up having the following conversation:

Person A: Wow, your beard is really turning gray!
Me: (surprised) It is?                                                              
Person A: Yeah, and it happened quick, too! Like over the last few days!
Me: Hold on…wait a minute…let me see here…nope, that’s just toothpaste!
Person A: Ewww!
Me: Say, why is your name Person A, anyway?
Person A: I’m leaving.

But still, I believe that overall it’s been an overwhelmingly positive experience, and I’m quite certain that I’ll stick with it. Just as long as you do me a favor and let me know when I need to wipe away the toothpaste. Thanks in advance.