My 2014 Christmas Letter

Dear friends, family, and random people of the internet,

I’ve yet in my life to write a Christmas letter recapping the events of the year, and so I’ve decided that it’s about time I gave it a whirl. (In addition, I also hope to gift somebody a fruitcake, watch the movie “A Christmas Story,” and participate in an Ugly Sweater party. Yes, my plan is to become a walking Christmas cliché.)

Knowing very little about writing Christmas letters, I’ve turned to the internet for help, specifically an article that boasts “seven tips for sparkling Christmas letters,” because who wants to be the author of a Christmas letter if it’s anything but sparkling? Not me!!

And so, without further ado, I now present to you My 2014 Christmas Letter, inspired by seven random tips from the internet:

Tip 1: Start off on a positive note, not a whimper about the passage of time.

Hooorrrayyy!!!!! I made it through 2014 without getting Ebola! Also, not once did I get mauled by a bear, dumped overboard from a moving freighter, or forget my car while going through a carwash!!!! I’m not sure I could even ask for anything more!!

Tip 2: Write in your own voice. You'll bring a breath of fresh air--and a happy echo of your own personality--to your letter.

Avast matey! In addition to what was already said, this year I also killed the white whale, avoided walking the plank, and got a new peg leg! Unfortunately, I also got scurvy, but I still pulled through! Note to self: Eat more oranges in 2015! Arrrrrrrrrr!

Wait, that’s not my voice… hold on for a minute, and let me see if I can find it…

Well, pilgrims, it’s sure been one of the rootinist, tootinist years ever! In fact, I plum can’t remember one that’s ever been better! Heck, I don’t think I was even caught in a single stampede!

Dang it! Hang on… one more try…

Christmas? CHRISTMAS?! Bah! Humbug!

Never mind. I’d better move on to the next tip…

Tip 3: Keep your audience in mind.

Uh-oh. I have no idea who my audience is, or what they’d want to hear from me. Self-absorbed pontifications that go on seemingly forever? Childish booger jokes? Meandering anecdotes with no point? Who knows? So, I guess I’ll just skip ahead to…

Tip 4: Resist the urge to embellish.

I need to be honest with you: While it was a pretty good year, based solely on the fact that I’m still alive, I actually accomplished little that I’m particularly proud of. I mean, I guess I grew facial hair, but that’s about it. Oh, and I almost always remembered pants when leaving the house. But really, there’s not much more.

Tip 5: Be selective about photos. One or two great shots that illustrate your text are much better than an over-the-top photo barrage.

I went on one trip in 2014. Here’s a picture of a deserted airport runway that I got to walk on during a hike in Oregon. It was pretty cool:

Also, since it’s been a while since I’ve done this, here’s a picture of a slug I once took, even though it has nothing to do with 2014.

Tip 6: Make it personnel. Be sure that the recipient can feel your warm--and personal—regard.

Before I forget, I’d like to express my warmest and most personal regards to each and every one of you who has taken the time to read this letter.

Tip 7: Shorter is Sweeter:

Well, it seems to me that this is plenty long enough. So, see ya later!

Oh, and Merry Christmas!