Pondering Santa

When it comes to Santa, there have always been several big questions that, when viewed with a critical eye, can call into question his entire existence. The most obvious one is: How on earth is he able to make all of those deliveries in a single night? I mean, sure, maybe he takes Mrs. Claus along so he can use the sleigh pool lane, but how much time would that actually buy him, anyway?

Another big question is how much does it cost to run his entire operation in a location as remote as the North Pole? Heating alone must be murder! How can he possibly afford it, considering he has no known source of income? Did he at some point win Powerball? Or does he just cook the books with devious accounting tricks that would make a crooked politician blush? Or does he supplement his income by occasionally going through Dad’s wallet once he’s finished dropping off presents?

Now, while these big questions are fun to think about, if you look beyond them and start getting into more of the nitty-gritty details, things get equally as interesting.

For example, Santa works one day a year. During the other 364, does he fly around in his sleigh just to keep in practice? Or does he spend the first quarter of his delivery run knocking off the rust, during which time he’s constantly slamming on the brakes, tailgating geese, drifting between lanes as he fiddles with the radio, accidentally peeling out on roofs, and even causing property damage. (“Hey! Who put that chimney there?”)

I also wonder about his bathroom breaks on Christmas Eve. Does he ever use the facilities at any of the houses he’s delivering presents to? (“Honey, are you in the bathroom?” “No.” “Then who’s saying ‘ho, ho, ho’ in there?”) It would seem tacky to do so, but time is of the essence in his profession, and perhaps certain liberties must be taken. Or maybe he uses public restrooms, which means that he could conceivably be the guy at Citgo who hands the bathroom key off to you? (“Oh great, I have to go in after him!?”) Or does he just risk getting arrested when nature calls and finds the nearest clump of trees?

All right, enough potty humor. On to more important things! Santa has a lot of deliveries to make, and judging by the U.S. Postal Service, this isn’t a business where you can expect flawless execution. (Come to think of it, maybe Santa’s fiscal model is taken directly from the USPS.) Anyway, does St. Nick ever screw up? Has he ever switched packages by mistake and given say, long underwear to a boy in Florida, while an old man in northern Minnesota gets action figures? (“Hey! I already have the Green Ranger!”) Or perhaps little Susie once received a pipe for Christmas? (“Yay! Now I can pretend I’m Grandpa!”) I mean, Santa’s getting old. He can’t be flawless, can he?

The list goes on:

Is naughty and nice measured on an absolute scale? Or is it relative to each person being considered? (“He still gave a lot of wedgies this year, but nowhere near as many as last. We’ll upgrade him to Nice!”)

How often does Santa rotate the runners on his sleigh? Does he carry extras in case he has a blowout on Christmas Eve? Or does he have AAA?

Is Mrs. Claus annoyed that Santa refuses to retire? (“Why do we still have to live up here? It’s impossible to get a tan!”)

Does Santa watch movies that include depictions of him, such as “The Santa Claus” or “Miracle on 34^th Street”? Does he ever mutter things such as, “Outrageous! I act nothing like this bozo!” Has he ever sued for defamation? Maybe that’s where he gets his money from…

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” Wait, does Santa work for the NSA? Or vice-versa? Now I’m creeped out.