Glacier Highlights

I have returned from Glacier National Park! Rather than bore you with the gritty details, which I’m much too lazy to write about, I’m going to instead compile a short list of the trip’s highlights, which will be determined using the rigorous scientific selection method of writing down whatever pops into my mind over the next few minutes. Sounds good? Then here we go…

The Day of Eighty Wardrobe Changes: The second hike of the trip was during a windy, rainy day. The rain was intermittent, to the point where it was basically toying with us. It would start to rain, and the rain gear would come out. It would stop raining, and the rain gear would be packed away, since it’s so hot and heavy. Repeat several dozen times or so until you’re pretty certain that somewhere along the line you did something to really tick off Mother Nature.

Going to the Sun Road: It was a wonderful drive, assuming you love sitting in construction and you don’t mind the majestic view of thick, impenetrable fog.

The Sunburn: After several cloudy days, the sun finally came out in full force. I neglected to consider this important meteorological change and went into the next hike wearing a bandana and no sunscreen. The result was that at the end of day, my head resembled a mismatched plastic Easter egg; its cover white and the rest deep red. And no, I did not take any pictures of this.

The Jim Leyland Lookalike: We were hiking the Highline Trail, moving along at a pretty good clip, when out of nowhere this old guy caught up to us. He was eerily reminiscent of Jim Leyland, complete with the sunglasses and moustache, except he seemed much less likely to keep putting Ryan Rayburn into the starting lineup, in the hopes that he might “run into one,” and much more likely to hike along the continental divide for several weeks at a time, wrestling mountain goats into submission for the sheer sport of it. Yup, he was a tough old coot, giving hope to anybody over the age of fifty-five who wants to enjoy an active lifestyle. After chatting with us briefly, he sped off and left us behind in a cloud of dust. This is the only picture I got of him. Somehow, it seems appropriate.

Johnson’s of St. Mary: If you’re ever in St. Mary, located on the eastern side of the park, and you need a place to eat, then stop at Johnson’s. They play nothing but old school country music. They have phenomenal homemade bread. They display customer sign in/comment sheets from the 70’s up until the present at the tables. They have excellent soup. They sell something called Ice Cream Pie, which weighs about fifty pounds and is as big as a mature pumpkin. It’s worth going there just to see the eyes of somebody when it’s placed down in front of them at their table. Their expression is basically one of I-think-I'm-in-heaven-even-though-there’s-no-way-I’m-eating-all-of-this-without-getting-a-stomach-ache-that’ll-last-for-roughly-a-week-and-possibly-dying.

Huckleberry Everything: Huckleberries are pushed everywhere in the park: huckleberry soda, huckleberry jelly beans, huckleberry stuffed French toast, huckleberry ice cream, huckleberry t-bone steak, etc.

Bear Jams: More on that later, assuming I remember to write it.

The Polite Bighorn Sheep: It was patiently waiting for a turn at the outhouse:

"Hey, I'm next in line, buddy!"



Learning that bear bells have an approximate operating radius of three feet: This was done through a scientific process consisting of us constantly not hearing other hikers’ bear bells until they were right up in our proverbial grills. So as long as you don’t mind a bear not being able to hear you until you’re basically sitting on its dinner plate, bear bells are a wise purchase. In addition, they are also incredibly annoying, making it sound like Santa Claus is perpetually coming to town. Even if they were effective, I’d rather be eaten by a bear than hike in a group with somebody wearing them.

This sign:

This Realization: No matter how good the trail mix tastes for the first three-quarters of the trip, there still comes a time when you instantly begin to hate it and simply can’t eat another bite.

The official group photo for the trip:

 

Oh right, and some OK scenery: