Road Trippin'

Thanksgiving is nearly upon us again, and for me, a gigantic meal, along with the resulting food coma, will be found in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. This means that a road trip is on the horizon.

I don’t do many road trips anymore. When I lived in Wisconsin, they were a large part of life, but here in Minnesota I’ve definitely settled down. Still, that doesn’t mean I don’t remember how it’s done.

The most important thing is comfort. Loose and well-worn clothing is a necessity. Road trips are not a time to get gussied up. A bathrobe would be the ultimate in a road trip wardrobe, but that’s slightly beyond the borders of practicality, although I’m still halfway tempted to try someday. Being dirty is also highly recommended, since you’re going to get filthy anyway, sitting in a car for many hours, spilling fast-food and coffee on yourself. The key is to accept it and start dirty. You’ll immediately be more relaxed and much more able to enjoy wallowing in your own filth for hundreds of miles. If, by the end of the trip, there’s not a real possibility of you being mistaken for a homeless person who’s stolen your car, you’re doing it all wrong.

Music is also key. You need to be prepared to keep yourself entertained, especially after it gets dark and you get bored watching out for deer. Sometimes its fun to buy a CD on the way, just to hear something you haven’t heard before. Value CD’s from gas stations are always good choices, not because the music is going to be quality, but because they’re cheap and easily thrown away. However, you also need to remember to occasionally surf the radio waves, because there’s always of chance of finding something interesting. Once, while passing through Duluth, I picked up the audio from a television station and was able to listen to Jeopardy. Another time, I miraculously picked up 650 AM from Nashville for several hours while driving north through Wisconsin, which allowed me to tune in to the Friday night Grand Ole Opry. And who can forget listening to the traditional Native American music of Big Bear, as we drove through the never-ending flatness that is North Dakota? Always give the radio a chance, and you may be surprised.

One big component to road trips, at least for me, is the Never-Ending Coffee Cycle. I start by buying a large coffee shortly after leaving, with the hopes that it will keep me alert, especially if I’ve just spent the whole day working. Coffee goes through me like a hot knife through butter, though, and it isn’t long before I’m stopping at a gas station, my face screwed up in concentration as I hope to hang on for just a few more moments. Then, on my way out, I buy another coffee, simply because I’m there, and the cycle begins anew. Yup, there’s nothing like walking out of a gas station, sighing in relief, with a fresh, hot cup of joe clutched in your hand. Next stop, coming soon!

Speaking of stopping at gas stations, it must be remembered that on road trips, calories don’t count. At least I hope not, because there’s absolutely no way to eat healthy on a road trip. I’ve attempted it on several occasions, and even though I’ve brought with me grapes and Cheerios and water, I’ve always finished covered in a mound of Reece’s wrappers, with multiple chocolate smears on my face, sugar coursing through my veins, and a satisfied smile on my lips. So do yourself a favor and don’t fight it. Road trips are to junk food as baseball games are to horrible, mutant hot dogs.

Fighting the elements of Mother Nature can make any road trip interesting. For me, this is just about guaranteed when heading to the U.P. any month of the year besides possibly June and July. Inevitably, I’ll find myself in the middle of a good old fashioned blizzard, where the snowflakes are pounding against the windshield, the wind is howling, and it’s anybody’s guess where the road is. Still, it’s not the worst thing in the world. It makes me remember how to drive in the snow real quick, which is always a plus, and it gives me that extra adrenaline needed to keep awake, now that the deer have hunkered down and stopped jumping out in front of me. (This is usually when I remember that I don’t have a scraper in my car, which means the next morning I’ll look like some first year Michigan Tech student, scraping my window free of ice with an empty soup can.)

Road trips are always fun for a while, but they always seem to loose their luster near the end. You’re sick of driving, sick of junk food, sick of bad gas station music, and sick of stopping at every Holiday because of the never-ending coffee cycle. That’s why the best part is just before it ends, when you see the friendly, glowing lights of your destination up ahead, and even though you’re wired on caffeine and sugar, you still manage to begin to relax, because you know that you’ve made it.

Oooohh yeah.