Today I hit my maturity quota. I usually hit it on a Friday, after a long week of work, so it came as no surprise. When I hit my maturity quota I begin to feel too grown up, and I start thinking about things such as mortgages and politics and other bland topics that would horrify me if I was still eighteen-years old.
I’ve found that when this happens I have to do something completely immature, just to tip my internal scale of maturity vs. immaturity and bring it back into some form of equilibrium. If I don’t find an immaturity outlet soon after hitting my maturity quota, I risk becoming permanently mature, which would be incredibly disastrous and would inevitably end up with me rising to the position of manager at work. (I shudder just to think of it.)
Luckily, I found my immaturity outlet today when I got home from work. I was walking down the hallway towards my apartment when a man left his apartment and began walking in the same direction, about ten feet in front of me.
I must stress that I’d never seen this man before in my life. He looked like a well-groomed, well-adjusted person, and I had no reason to be annoyed by him. (Now, if he had been whistling or wearing a New York Yankees cap I would have.) Still, I began to make faces at him. I stuck out my tongue. I contorted my face weirdly. I bugged out my eyes. This lasted for a good ten to fifteen seconds until I arrived at my apartment.
I’m pretty certain that if the man would have looked back at any point when I was making faces at him, he would have either run away and reported me to the authorities or else decked me. Luckily, he didn’t, and I managed to safely find my immaturity outlet and restore my equilibrium.
Now, you may think that what I did was rude. However, I like to think that the man would have done the same thing to me, if given the chance, in order to restore his own equilibrium. And if he wouldn’t, it would mean that he’s become permanently mature, and then he deserved it anyway.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Planning For The Future (It'll Be Delicious)
I’m not looking forward to getting old, and I’m pretty sure that most people aren’t. However, there is the old saying that when you’re given lemons you make lemonade, and I was recently given a prime example of this.
I was checking out at the grocery store. (Luckily, I didn’t end up in the line manned by my arch-enemy cashier. For more on her, check my previous posts.) I was feeling pretty proud of myself, because I had managed to get through the entire store without falling victim to an Undefeatable Double Stuff Oreo Snack Attack, which is actually an amazing accomplishment for me. (Undefeatable Double Stuff Oreo Snack Attacks have plagued me for years, especially when the cool mint flavor was introduced.) Because of this rare moment of actual willpower, laid out before me were carrots and wheat bread and spinach and all of the other things that cause you to you hold decade-long grudges against your parents for buying when you’re eight years old. I was quite proud of myself.
Right behind me was an old man, and he unloaded his purchases on the belt. It was all ice cream. There had to be seven or eight containers of different sizes and flavors. I looked back at him, and he seemed very content with his decision to eat entirely out of the top portion of the food pyramid.
And why wouldn’t he be? When you’re old you get to do stuff like that. At that point, what do you really have to lose? You most likely have no metabolism anymore, and getting out of bed is probably the most exercise your body can take, anyway. Why not enjoy all of foods you prohibited yourself from eating back when you were young and trying to impress members of the opposite sex? What’s it going to do, slow you down even more?
(I’ll admit that the old man could’ve been buying the ice-cream for a party or something, but I’d like to think that was what he was going to eat for the entire week.)
With this in mind, I’ve just resolved that when I get that old I’m going to allow myself to eat Oreos until my teeth fall out, and after that I’ll dunk them in milk and vigorously gum them.
If that’s not something to look forward to, I don’t know what is.
My role model here is the Grandpa from the movie Grumpy Old Men. I’ll conclude with one of his quotes, which just so happens to be a favorite of mine:
“I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?”
“Bacon?”
“Bacon”
I was checking out at the grocery store. (Luckily, I didn’t end up in the line manned by my arch-enemy cashier. For more on her, check my previous posts.) I was feeling pretty proud of myself, because I had managed to get through the entire store without falling victim to an Undefeatable Double Stuff Oreo Snack Attack, which is actually an amazing accomplishment for me. (Undefeatable Double Stuff Oreo Snack Attacks have plagued me for years, especially when the cool mint flavor was introduced.) Because of this rare moment of actual willpower, laid out before me were carrots and wheat bread and spinach and all of the other things that cause you to you hold decade-long grudges against your parents for buying when you’re eight years old. I was quite proud of myself.
Right behind me was an old man, and he unloaded his purchases on the belt. It was all ice cream. There had to be seven or eight containers of different sizes and flavors. I looked back at him, and he seemed very content with his decision to eat entirely out of the top portion of the food pyramid.
And why wouldn’t he be? When you’re old you get to do stuff like that. At that point, what do you really have to lose? You most likely have no metabolism anymore, and getting out of bed is probably the most exercise your body can take, anyway. Why not enjoy all of foods you prohibited yourself from eating back when you were young and trying to impress members of the opposite sex? What’s it going to do, slow you down even more?
(I’ll admit that the old man could’ve been buying the ice-cream for a party or something, but I’d like to think that was what he was going to eat for the entire week.)
With this in mind, I’ve just resolved that when I get that old I’m going to allow myself to eat Oreos until my teeth fall out, and after that I’ll dunk them in milk and vigorously gum them.
If that’s not something to look forward to, I don’t know what is.
My role model here is the Grandpa from the movie Grumpy Old Men. I’ll conclude with one of his quotes, which just so happens to be a favorite of mine:
“I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?”
“Bacon?”
“Bacon”
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Inspiration Through Coughing
Have you ever been inspired by the wrapper of a cough drop? Me neither. But that doesn’t mean they’re not trying.
Let me explain.
A short while ago I developed a cough. (For those of you craving details, it was more than a simple scratchy throat, but not so bad that it blew you off of your chair if you weren’t paying attention.) So I bought a package of cough drops to allow me to make it through a day at work without sounding like I was attempting to expel a bowling ball from my lungs.
Later on, I examined the wrapper of one of the cough drops, where I saw that there were little sayings printed all over it. Upon closer inspection, I realized that they were motivational phrases, such as the following:
“Don’t give up on yourself”
“Don’t wait to get started”
“Get through it”
“Don’t waste a precious minute”
“Take charge and mean it”
“Power through”
This led me to immediately wonder what the cough drop manufacturer’s game plan was. Perhaps they envisioned a scenario such as the following:
Begin scene.
It’s a dark, gloomy room that smells like NyQuil. All of the curtains are drawn. On a nearby couch, surrounded by stacks of used tissues, appears at first to be a giant mound of blankets. However, it soon becomes apparent that there is a person somewhere within, as evidenced by the mound’s rattling cough.
Soon, the head of a person appears from under the blankets. Their eyes are half-open and unfocused, and their hair is frizzy and unwashed. They are wearing pajamas, although the shirt is on backwards, and they move with the same approximate speed and quickness as a glacier. In short, they look terrible.
The person reaches out to the end table and unwraps a cough drop with fumbling hands. With great effort, they pop it into their mouth. They then collapse, completely exhausted by the tremendous effort. However, the wrapper remains clutched in their hand, and their eyes stray down to it, where they then read the following phrase:
“You’ve survived tougher.”
After a moment’s hesitation, their eyes widen a little, as they realize that they have, indeed, survived tougher. They are then suddenly hit with an unexpected jolt of energy. Suddenly craving more motivational phrases, they keep on reading.
“Don’t wait to get started.”
They don’t know exactly what they are supposed to be starting, but it sure beats lying on the couch like roadkill! They keep on reading, faster now, a maniacal grin slowly forming on their face.
“Let’s hear your battle cry.”
They violently throw the blankets off and lurch up to their feet, howling like a dog whose tail has just been stepped on. They beat on their chest King-Kong style for a moment before charging out of the house, now sufficiently motivated and ready to take on the world.
“And it’s all because of the cough drop wrapper!!” they yell, their arms outstretched in sheer jubilation. “What a wonderful idea! I shall tell all of my friends and help to increase the sales of cough drops dramatically!!”
End scene.
Sorry, but I just don’t see this happening. (In my version, I see the sick person making it outside but then having to throw up in the bushes next to the flower bed instead of promoting cough drops to the world.) Yet, somehow, somewhere, somebody in a big office was pitched this, and they said “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” and thus, motivational cough drop wrappers were born.
Maybe I’m a born pessimist, but I’m skeptical that these sayings will help to sell a single extra cough drop. I mean, I just can’t imagine anybody ever thinking the following: “I don’t really need cough drops, but I do kind of want to see what’s written on the wrapper.”
To be fair, perhaps I’m missing the point of this all. Perhaps there’s more to marketing than coming up with a silly idea because you’re desperate and have nothing else to offer and then selling it to some corporate bigwig who only agrees to it so they can leave the meeting and get in a quick round of golf. Perhaps this campaign will have long term ramifications in terms of adjusting consumer spending habits, resulting in an explosion of growth in the cough drop industry.
Heck, I’m even promoting the cough drop industry myself simply by making fun of it. Maybe I’m playing right into their hands.
No matter how it all shakes out, though, I must say that I’ve learned an important lesson, and it is as follows: You have to take charge and mean it, without wasting a precious minute, and power through all obstacles, because not giving up on yourself is even more important then not waiting to get started.
Now let’s hear your battle cry.
Let me explain.
A short while ago I developed a cough. (For those of you craving details, it was more than a simple scratchy throat, but not so bad that it blew you off of your chair if you weren’t paying attention.) So I bought a package of cough drops to allow me to make it through a day at work without sounding like I was attempting to expel a bowling ball from my lungs.
Later on, I examined the wrapper of one of the cough drops, where I saw that there were little sayings printed all over it. Upon closer inspection, I realized that they were motivational phrases, such as the following:
“Don’t give up on yourself”
“Don’t wait to get started”
“Get through it”
“Don’t waste a precious minute”
“Take charge and mean it”
“Power through”
This led me to immediately wonder what the cough drop manufacturer’s game plan was. Perhaps they envisioned a scenario such as the following:
Begin scene.
It’s a dark, gloomy room that smells like NyQuil. All of the curtains are drawn. On a nearby couch, surrounded by stacks of used tissues, appears at first to be a giant mound of blankets. However, it soon becomes apparent that there is a person somewhere within, as evidenced by the mound’s rattling cough.
Soon, the head of a person appears from under the blankets. Their eyes are half-open and unfocused, and their hair is frizzy and unwashed. They are wearing pajamas, although the shirt is on backwards, and they move with the same approximate speed and quickness as a glacier. In short, they look terrible.
The person reaches out to the end table and unwraps a cough drop with fumbling hands. With great effort, they pop it into their mouth. They then collapse, completely exhausted by the tremendous effort. However, the wrapper remains clutched in their hand, and their eyes stray down to it, where they then read the following phrase:
“You’ve survived tougher.”
After a moment’s hesitation, their eyes widen a little, as they realize that they have, indeed, survived tougher. They are then suddenly hit with an unexpected jolt of energy. Suddenly craving more motivational phrases, they keep on reading.
“Don’t wait to get started.”
They don’t know exactly what they are supposed to be starting, but it sure beats lying on the couch like roadkill! They keep on reading, faster now, a maniacal grin slowly forming on their face.
“Let’s hear your battle cry.”
They violently throw the blankets off and lurch up to their feet, howling like a dog whose tail has just been stepped on. They beat on their chest King-Kong style for a moment before charging out of the house, now sufficiently motivated and ready to take on the world.
“And it’s all because of the cough drop wrapper!!” they yell, their arms outstretched in sheer jubilation. “What a wonderful idea! I shall tell all of my friends and help to increase the sales of cough drops dramatically!!”
End scene.
Sorry, but I just don’t see this happening. (In my version, I see the sick person making it outside but then having to throw up in the bushes next to the flower bed instead of promoting cough drops to the world.) Yet, somehow, somewhere, somebody in a big office was pitched this, and they said “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” and thus, motivational cough drop wrappers were born.
Maybe I’m a born pessimist, but I’m skeptical that these sayings will help to sell a single extra cough drop. I mean, I just can’t imagine anybody ever thinking the following: “I don’t really need cough drops, but I do kind of want to see what’s written on the wrapper.”
To be fair, perhaps I’m missing the point of this all. Perhaps there’s more to marketing than coming up with a silly idea because you’re desperate and have nothing else to offer and then selling it to some corporate bigwig who only agrees to it so they can leave the meeting and get in a quick round of golf. Perhaps this campaign will have long term ramifications in terms of adjusting consumer spending habits, resulting in an explosion of growth in the cough drop industry.
Heck, I’m even promoting the cough drop industry myself simply by making fun of it. Maybe I’m playing right into their hands.
No matter how it all shakes out, though, I must say that I’ve learned an important lesson, and it is as follows: You have to take charge and mean it, without wasting a precious minute, and power through all obstacles, because not giving up on yourself is even more important then not waiting to get started.
Now let’s hear your battle cry.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Radio Exclusive
Technology is all about instant gratification. In this modern world, you pretty much have access to anything, antime, anywhere. Gone are the days of waiting for the newspaper in order to get yesterday’s baseball scores, or having only one chance to watch a television show until it appears months later in reruns.
Music has been similarly affected. I used to own what seemed like millions of CDs. Some of them were good from start to finish, but too many had only a few good songs, and the rest was filler. This made it annoying to listen to them, because you’d have to either listen to the entire album, while cringing at the bad stuff, or just pop it in, listen to the two good songs, and then pop it out five minutes later.
Now, however, I can pick and choose what I want to buy, down to the individual song, and it all goes on an iPod, where I can pick and choose which songs I want to listen to, whenever I want to, with all of the filler already excluded. It’s all at my fingertips. No more clutter. Instant gratification.
But there’s a small exception to this, and it’s a wonderful exception.
You see, there’s a small window of time from when a debut single for an album comes out to when it’s available for purchase on the internet. In that timeframe, the only real place to hear it is on the radio, and, for that short while, you have no control over when you’ll be able to listen to it.
At times this seems annoying, but isn’t that how you want it to be? Put it this way: When is a song the most fresh and exciting? When it first comes out, of course. Add onto that the fact that you don’t have instant access to it, and it makes it incredibly enjoyable when it does come on the radio.
(Plus, you may not even be able to listen the entire song. You could switch over from another station and just catch the very end, which is probably worse than not hearing it at all. Better luck next time!)
This only applies to the first single off of an album, making it a rare event. By the time the second single has been released the album is normally already for sale, and, if you like the artist, you’ve already purchased it and heard the “new” song. So, you really only get this chance for a radio-exclusive song once an album.
Take the song ‘Old Alabama’, by Brad Paisley. It’s actually the second single off of an upcoming album, but the album still hasn’t been released. I really dig the song, and what’s fun about it is that it’s not on my iPod, so the only time I get to hear it is on the radio in my car. So, for the time being, it’s quite elusive, and that makes it that much more enjoyable when I do actually hear it. Up goes the volume. The window may roll down. I may even have to help out with the vocals a little.
Soon I’ll have the ability to purchase the song, which I’ll do with several greedy clicks of the mouse. Then, a short time later, it have been lost amidst the sea of music on my iPod. Sure, it’ll still be fun to hear, but not nearly as much so as hearing it on the radio when that was the only place where it was available.
It kind of makes me want to go for a drive.
Music has been similarly affected. I used to own what seemed like millions of CDs. Some of them were good from start to finish, but too many had only a few good songs, and the rest was filler. This made it annoying to listen to them, because you’d have to either listen to the entire album, while cringing at the bad stuff, or just pop it in, listen to the two good songs, and then pop it out five minutes later.
Now, however, I can pick and choose what I want to buy, down to the individual song, and it all goes on an iPod, where I can pick and choose which songs I want to listen to, whenever I want to, with all of the filler already excluded. It’s all at my fingertips. No more clutter. Instant gratification.
But there’s a small exception to this, and it’s a wonderful exception.
You see, there’s a small window of time from when a debut single for an album comes out to when it’s available for purchase on the internet. In that timeframe, the only real place to hear it is on the radio, and, for that short while, you have no control over when you’ll be able to listen to it.
At times this seems annoying, but isn’t that how you want it to be? Put it this way: When is a song the most fresh and exciting? When it first comes out, of course. Add onto that the fact that you don’t have instant access to it, and it makes it incredibly enjoyable when it does come on the radio.
(Plus, you may not even be able to listen the entire song. You could switch over from another station and just catch the very end, which is probably worse than not hearing it at all. Better luck next time!)
This only applies to the first single off of an album, making it a rare event. By the time the second single has been released the album is normally already for sale, and, if you like the artist, you’ve already purchased it and heard the “new” song. So, you really only get this chance for a radio-exclusive song once an album.
Take the song ‘Old Alabama’, by Brad Paisley. It’s actually the second single off of an upcoming album, but the album still hasn’t been released. I really dig the song, and what’s fun about it is that it’s not on my iPod, so the only time I get to hear it is on the radio in my car. So, for the time being, it’s quite elusive, and that makes it that much more enjoyable when I do actually hear it. Up goes the volume. The window may roll down. I may even have to help out with the vocals a little.
Soon I’ll have the ability to purchase the song, which I’ll do with several greedy clicks of the mouse. Then, a short time later, it have been lost amidst the sea of music on my iPod. Sure, it’ll still be fun to hear, but not nearly as much so as hearing it on the radio when that was the only place where it was available.
It kind of makes me want to go for a drive.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Parking Lot Etiquette
I need your opinion. It’s pretty important, because it’ll determine whether I’m a highly unstable lunatic or just the victim of somebody who knows nothing about parking their car.
It goes like this: At work there’s a parking lot. In this parking lot there are multiple rows of parking spaces. Each row consists of two levels of parking, like just about every other parking lot in existence. Now, I have my typical parking spot in a certain row. I pull through the first parking spot up into the second, which is closest to the building. This leaves my car facing out of the row, which keeps me from having to back out when I leave in the afternoon.
With me so far?
The problem is that sometimes there's a guy who gets there before me. You’re probably thinking that he takes my spot, but he doesn’t. Instead, he takes the spot directly behind my spot, which means that he doesn’t pull all the way through, like I do. That leaves my spot open, but I’m now left with two annoying ways of getting in and out: I can either back in, so I can pull directly out in the afternoon, or I can pull in, leaving me facing his vehicle and making it so that I have to back out in the afternoon. (If I beat him to my spot, I don’t have to do any backing up.)
This may not seem like a big issue to you, but it drives me absolutely bonkers. Why would somebody not pull all the way through and take my spot? Why stop in the first spot? Not only does it screw up my plans, but it also virtually guarantees that he also has to back up when he leaves!!!!! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst is when this guy pulls into the parking lot just ahead of me, because I can see it all happen right before my eyes. I’m pretty certain that a vein starts to pulsate in my head and my face turns completely red. I probably white-knuckle the steering wheel and grind my teeth so hard that puffs of enamel fill the air. I then watch helplessly as the guy defies all logic and stops in the first parking spot. I’m pretty certain he then walks into the building, whistling happily, totally oblivious to what has just occurred.
Now, you may be wondering why this is a big deal. Surely I could use the parking spot right next to my usual one with there being no tangible difference to me. The answer is that I could, and I usually do, but it’s the principle of the whole matter that gets to me.
So, am I crazy? Am I blowing something inconsequential totally out of proportion? Should I be worrying that I may be unstable? Or is this a pretty universal response and the blame all lies with the other party?
And, most importantly, is it weird that I’m thinking of getting revenge by getting there first and stealing his crappy spot?
It goes like this: At work there’s a parking lot. In this parking lot there are multiple rows of parking spaces. Each row consists of two levels of parking, like just about every other parking lot in existence. Now, I have my typical parking spot in a certain row. I pull through the first parking spot up into the second, which is closest to the building. This leaves my car facing out of the row, which keeps me from having to back out when I leave in the afternoon.
With me so far?
The problem is that sometimes there's a guy who gets there before me. You’re probably thinking that he takes my spot, but he doesn’t. Instead, he takes the spot directly behind my spot, which means that he doesn’t pull all the way through, like I do. That leaves my spot open, but I’m now left with two annoying ways of getting in and out: I can either back in, so I can pull directly out in the afternoon, or I can pull in, leaving me facing his vehicle and making it so that I have to back out in the afternoon. (If I beat him to my spot, I don’t have to do any backing up.)
This may not seem like a big issue to you, but it drives me absolutely bonkers. Why would somebody not pull all the way through and take my spot? Why stop in the first spot? Not only does it screw up my plans, but it also virtually guarantees that he also has to back up when he leaves!!!!! AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst is when this guy pulls into the parking lot just ahead of me, because I can see it all happen right before my eyes. I’m pretty certain that a vein starts to pulsate in my head and my face turns completely red. I probably white-knuckle the steering wheel and grind my teeth so hard that puffs of enamel fill the air. I then watch helplessly as the guy defies all logic and stops in the first parking spot. I’m pretty certain he then walks into the building, whistling happily, totally oblivious to what has just occurred.
Now, you may be wondering why this is a big deal. Surely I could use the parking spot right next to my usual one with there being no tangible difference to me. The answer is that I could, and I usually do, but it’s the principle of the whole matter that gets to me.
So, am I crazy? Am I blowing something inconsequential totally out of proportion? Should I be worrying that I may be unstable? Or is this a pretty universal response and the blame all lies with the other party?
And, most importantly, is it weird that I’m thinking of getting revenge by getting there first and stealing his crappy spot?
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