Fitting In, Minnesota Style

I’m pretty certain that I now fall into the category of “poser”.

This is because I recently bought a hockey stick. Now, anybody who knows me is most likely consumed in a raging fit of mirth right now, considering that my hockey skills begin and end with me watching the Red Wings in the playoffs. Up until recently, the only reason for me to buy a hockey stick would have been to fend off vampire bats, although the small chance of that actually happening had kept me from doing so.

However, now I play boot hockey, because that’s what we do in Minnesota. The logic behind this is that when its -10 degrees, what else is there to do but run around outside waving a hockey stick and risking having your sweat freeze, which can then transform you into a living ice statue?

(No, I don’t play real hockey. I’ve never gotten past the “run into the boards” method of stopping while on skates.)

When getting my stick, my goal (har!) was to buy the cheapest one possible. I went down to a sporting goods store and started poking around, doing my best to look like I had a clue as to what I was looking at. Unfortunately, I couldn’t buy the cheapest stick, because it was branded with the name Sidney Crosby. As a Detroit Red Wings fan, there is no way I can be caught with anything that has his name on it. (Another stipulation is that I must always refer to him as Sidney “Crysby”.) So I ended up spending ten dollars more on another stick.

But it was worth it. I like my new hockey stick. It makes me feel like I’m fitting in, and I’m always anxious to show it off. I keep in the backseat of my car, as it is then highly visible, which allows people to know that I do, indeed, play hockey, as is required of every person who resides in Minnesota. In fact, lately I’ve felt like offering rides to everybody, even if I don’t know them or if they’re going somewhere a little out of the way, such as Florida. This is because it enables me to say things such as, “No room in the back. That’s where I keep my HOCKEY STICK!” or “If you casually turn your head to the back, you’ll see my awesome HOCKEY STICK!”

As for playing hockey, let’s just say that I get exercise. However, now I’m always prepared. At the drop of the hat, I’m ready to “forecheck”, go “top-shelf”, “pinch in on D”, or “fall over awkwardly and possibly sprain an ankle.”

Plus, if I ever get attacked by vampire vats, I’m good to go.