A Stunning Revelation

At long last, it’s finally happened. I always knew it would, but I’m still finding it hard to comprehend. Still, it’s here, and it’s real, and my life has been forever changed because of it. So, without further ado, which means, according to Microsoft Word, ‘upheaval’, or ‘ruckus’, here is my announcement: I now have an arch-enemy.

Yes, you read me right. I’ve found my Lex Luthor. I’ve discovered my Joker. I’ve stumbled upon my Dr. Octopus. For those of you not familiar with arch-enemies, and it must be quite sad to be you, they are that one person whose entire goal in life is to thwart your every move.

Kinda cool, huh? Still, I have to admit it’s also kind of unnerving. I mean, it's a lot of pressure. Now, since I know you're anxious to know, just who is this person who has become my arch enemy? I will not keep you in suspense any longer: she is a cashier at my local grocery store.

I’m guessing you aren’t picking up on the diabolical vibe quite yet, so let me elaborate. She has been a cashier for 18 years, according to her name tag, which means several things:

She is in no hurry whatsoever.
She believes she knows everything about customer service and goes out of her way to prove it.
She most likely is burdened by severe arthritis.

Put this all together and it makes every trip through the checkout line a seemingly never-ending adventure where she attempts to thwart my attempts to actually purchase anything, which deserves its own big-budget, special-effects laden feature film. (Starring Betty White as the cashier, and one of the Twilight male actors as me.)

Still not convinced, despite my stunning rhetoric? Well, here are the weapons she brings to the table in her quest to keep me from ever leaving the grocery store:

Obnoxious Chatting – She’ll talk to any customer about anything, and when I say this I’m betting embarrassing rashes would not be off the table, even if they don’t want to discuss it. Things get really bad when the customer is also a Non-Stop Chatter. In that case they’ll stand there discussing gardens or Lifetime movies for hours on end, all while no actual items are ever rung up.

Inability To Multi Task – While she’s chatting, she physically cannot do anything else, such as, for example, her job. She will pick up an item and get ready to scan it. However, just then, a thought will pop into her head and will have to be immediately verbalized. This shifts her one priority from scanning to speaking. The item will just hang there in her hand, tantalizingly close to the scanner, as she begins a long-winded soliloquy which could take upwards of thirty minutes to complete. But this doesn’t bother her. She’s been there for eighteen years! What’s another thirty minutes!? It’s not like she’s going anywhere!

Customer Service – She also is there for the customer. This means she’ll go out of her way to bring her entire line to a standstill, just to possibly help somebody save enough money to purchase half of a Tic-Tac. For example, when she finally finishes ringing up a customer, she’ll say, “Are any of these items on special?” Since it is a rhetorical question, she then proceeds to review everything she just scanned, at the speed of a snail in a full body cast, mind you, just in case one of them is on sale and she can save the customer, who is at this point molding and attracting flies, fifteen cents.

Now, I’ll bet you’re asking, “Why don’t you just choose a different line?” Excuse me while I laugh in contempt and shake my head. Obviously, you don’t know arch-enemies. Arch-enemies are always there to antagonize you, and they can defy logic and the laws of physics in order to do so. For example, I’m fully confident that no matter what line I choose, she will still be there waiting for me, even if I saw her working a checkout at the other end of the store moments before, or if she was on vacation in a foreign country. I’m also pretty sure if I went to another grocery store she would be employed there, patiently waiting for me with an evil smile plastered on her diabolical face. It’s just the way things work with arch-enemies.

So what can I do about it? How can I rise above the challenge that has been posed to me, like all true heroes do? I’ve thought about this long and hard and have come to one gut-wrenching solution. It won’t be easy. It will take fortitude. It will take all of my mental and physical toughness, not to mention the heart of a lion and the will of a true champion. However, I am up for the challenge.

So here’s my plan: I will stop grocery shopping altogether and live exclusively off of delivery pizza.

Now that’s how you defeat an arch-enemy! Take that Cashier Lady!

Unless, of course, she gets a job at Dominos.