Life On The Edge Of Destruction

Call me a wild man.

Call me a crazy risk-taker.

Call me whatever you’d like, just don’t call me tame.

Yup, I’m what you’d consider a Walk-On-The-Edge-Of-Destruction-Darn-The-Consequences-Live-For-The-Moment-Life’s-Too-Short-To-Play-It-Safe-Rootin’-Tootin’-Heck-Raisin’-Spit-Danger-In-The-Eye-And-Laugh-At-It-Bad-To-The-Bone-Son-Of-A-Gun.

The reason I say this, besides the fact that I like using incredibly long, hyphenated words, is because lately I’ve been playing with the proverbial fire. You see, my apartment has a garbage chute. (Yes, a garbage chute! I’ll bet you can feel the danger already!!!!) The general procedure is you take your garbage and cram it down the chute, where it then falls. A moment later you hear the machinery somewhere below start grinding.

The danger exists because I normally throw out my garbage as I’m leaving the apartment. This means I have my keys with me. Typically, I carry them in one hand and the garbage in the other, since I will eventually be making my way to my car. However, it usually takes two hands to shove the garbage bag down the chute, since it is pretty narrow. Being the crazy man that I am, though, I don’t put my keys in my pocket before doing this, because it would waste approximately a half-second of my precious time, and crazy men like me don't waste time for things like that. So, to make a long, drawn out explanation even longer and more drawn out, this results in me wrestling with a garbage bag with both hands, even as my keys, still clenched in one hand, are now one slip away from falling down the garbage chute, where they would come to some sort of horrible end.

And yet, this doesn’t phase me. Why? Because that’s the kind of guy I am. If there’s an edge, I’m walking it. If there’s a fine line, I’ve already crossed it. If there’s a horrible metaphor which can help to describe a situation, I’ve already used it.

Now, you may ask the following question: Isn’t it just stupidity, and not living on the edge, that causes you to risk your keys in the manner you have just described above? Upon hearing this query I can’t help but toss my head back and laugh in a rebellious manner. Such a naïve question from somebody who obviously can’t differentiate between stupidity and living life to the fullest. I shake my head in great sadness for you, because you will never be able to fully experience this world with that kind of attitude. All I can say is this: Go ahead and enjoy your time standing outside of the fire.

Wait a minute. (Or perhaps, ‘hold the phone’, which is another phrase that could be used here.)

I just thought about this for a moment and I’ve come to a startling realization that may shock you, and, unfortunately, is not a happy one for me.

Call me delusional.

Call me the guy who is desperately trying to project an image onto themself, even though it doesn’t come close to fitting.

Call me whatever you’d like, but I won’t be listening. Instead, I’ll be rethinking my decision to buy a leather jacket and a Harley, which, now that I ponder it, is probably a good thing. Motorbikes are too loud anyway, plus they seem kind of dangerous. I mean, I could easily pull something if I didn't stretch properly before getting on it.