Maybe I'll Just Work Instead

It’s almost worth not taking vacation.

The reason I say this is because of the effort needed to do so. If I want to take a day off, here is what I need to fill out:

• A spreadsheet that keeps track of the days off for everybody in my unit.
• An online calendar that keeps track of days off for everybody working on the same project as me, which is a completely different set of people than those in my unit.
• An online system that keeps track of my days off, for Human Resources purposes. (I also have to remember when I do this that I have four floating holidays to use each year, in addition to my PTO, except I can only use two floating holiday during the first half of the year, and the other two during the second half of the year. If I forget to use them correctly, I lose them.)
• Another online system that keeps track of where I spend my time from a project perspective.

That doesn’t even take into account the other system where I have to put in my project time, this time at an even more granular level than the one I mentioned above.

As I said, it’s almost too much work to take a day off.

I guess you need to look at the positives of working for a large corporation. For example, you can completely lose yourself in the dizzying array of levels that make up the corporate structure, to the point where nobody really knows who you are or what you do. If you’re in the position like those in Office Space, where you have eight bosses, then you can tell each one that you are doing work for one of the others and that you can’t be bothered. I haven’t yet reached that point, but it is a goal of mine.

To be honest, I can’t think of any more positives at this very moment, but I’m sure there are a few. I guess getting paid is a good one. Also, benefits.

So I guess I'll just keep slogging on through, learning to play the corporate games as I go. It’s really not too bad. As long as I don’t want to take a day off. That’s when things get hairy.

Political Intrigue (Not Really)

Why is it that when there is a corrupt U.S. politician in either a book or a movie, it’s always a Senator and never a Representative?

Is that just because it rolls off of the tongue better when saying ‘corrupt Senator’ as opposed to ‘corrupt Representative’? Is it a purely aesthetic choice?

Or is it because since there are less Senators overall, and they have longer terms, it may seem more shocking if one of them turned out to be corrupt? (As opposed to, say, a corrupt California Representative, where everybody would probably just say, “Duh” and continue on with their lives.)

Or is it something more sinister? Like, for example, are the U.S. Representatives themselves paying off the entertainment industry in order to make the U.S. Senators look bad? It is some sort of twisted, evil conspiracy? If so, what would be the ultimate goal of the Representatives, besides trying to find new and inventive ways to waste taxpayer money on bribes?

I’m guessing it’s not the last option. I mean, why would the Representatives be doing it in the first place, since everybody already figures that all politicians are corrupt anyway? Plus, who really believes that the Representatives could actually be capable of organizing a successful, bipartison, secret conspiracy like this without totally screwing it up?

Idea! Maybe the Senators were trying to smear the Representatives, but it backfired because they reneged on their bribes to the entertainment industry, because they needed that money to buy new furniture in their offices, and now the entertainment industry is getting back at them by always featuring them as corrupt! That’s it!!

I think I need to stop now. This is getting ridiculous, even for me.

Male Pride: The Case Studies

Male pride is an interesting thing.

For example, take a male who is playing baseball and who collides with a catcher twice his size at home plate, because sliding in would be considered the easy way out. Once the dust clears, it then becomes apparent that this person’s leg now bends in roughly six different places it clearly wasn't meant to, so that it closely resembles a road sign for an s-curve.

He is quickly dragged to the dugout by thoughtful, caring teammates, so as not to slow down the game. He insists that he is all right. His teammates agree, and tell him to “walk it off.” (This will happen even if the person’s leg is still lying next to home plate.)

At no point will the baseball player admit that he’s hurt, even after he has passed out several times. Why? Because of male pride. Showing weakness quickly drops you to the bottom rung of the male status ladder, right there around boy band singers who can hit obscenely high notes without any external influences.

Now, this isn’t meant to be a commentary on the merits of male pride, and whether it is a good or bad thing. It is just a presentation of several examples, where you can take away from them whatever you would like.

Next is the M&M wager that a co-worker and I had a year or so ago. At that time, we had a candy dish in our workplace that was constantly being filled with M&Ms. Showing willpower that most could only dream of, I managed to limit myself to eating them to special occasions: celebrations of project milestones, Fridays, whenever something was annoying me, whenever I happened to walk by them, whenever I made a special trip to work on the weekend solely to eat M&Ms, etc.

My co-worker was doing no better than I, so we made a wager. The first person to eat an M&M owed the other a dollar. Now, a dollar is pretty insignificant in the big picture, but both of us didn’t want to be the one to fold. Suddenly, male pride was on the line, and I instantly developed willpower I never knew I had. We lasted around six months until we agreed to put an end to the wager, since we both knew the other wasn’t going to crack.

This brings us up to the latest wager, which is between that same co-worker and I. It stemmed from the fact that some of my pants that used to fit well are now a little snug. The same thing was happening with my co-worker, so it seemed appropriate to leverage our male pride again. Without getting into specifics, we now have a wager that is based on each of us hitting our own specific weight loss goal.

Since this has started, I have been gifted with willpower I haven’t known since the M&M days. Cool Mint Double Stuff Oreos, which I can normally hear whispering in my ear from the far side of the grocery store, miraculously no longer have a hold on me. Whenever I’m tempted by them, or something similar, I just think about how horrible it would be to lose the wager, and I suck it up and eat a carrot stick.

We are about a week in, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m confident I can keep it up and reach my goal. However, a little encouragement is always helpful, so feel free to give me high five the next time you see me. But not too hard. I’ve been feeling a little weak lately, for some reason. Also, if I babble incoherently and try to make you to check your pockets to see if you have a breath mint or a Life Saver I can have, just ignore me. It’s just a side effect of male pride.

The Six Phases Of A Project

This week at work I noticed that somebody had posted the following in their work space:

The Six Phases Of A Project
1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search For The Guilty
5. Punishment Of The Innocent
6. Praise & Honors For The Nonparticipants

Of course, my immediate reaction was: That's so true!

For my latest project, I came in late, so I missed Phase 1. (Of course, that normally doesn't last very long, anyway.) I hit Phase 2 almost immediately, sometime back in October. The entire project is now in Phase 3, although I'm personally still in Phase 2. (It's a veteran move to skip the Panic Phase, since it does nothing but raise your blood pressure.)

Anyway, that is why my blogging has been a little uninspired as of late. After a long day at work, I find myself not very motivated to be creative and/or funny. (Insert snarky joke here, such as: "You mean you've tried to be funny before?")

But in the end, there's no point in really complaining. I mean, I have a job, and lots of people don't. You have to look on the bright side.

Plus, at least it's not Phase 5 yet.

Like Kristofferson Would Do

Here are a couple of excerpts from a recent interview with Kris Kristofferson:

Q. How should a man handle getting old?
A. Just keep getting as old as you can as long as you can.

Q. What's the secret of life?
A. I had a list of rules I made up one time. It says: Tell the truth, sing with passion, work with laughter, and love with heart.

Seems like sound advice to me.