On The Other Hand

Life is full of tough decisions, and I’m currently in the midst of making one that would probably cause all of my hair to fall out if it hadn’t already happened because of the Great Do-You-Want-Fries-With-That? decision of ’03.

On one hand, I’m sort of a mature responsible adult, and so it would make sense to upgrade. On the other hand (cue Randy Travis), loyalty is one of my strongest characteristics, and if I abandoned that now, I wouldn’t even know who I was anymore. Talk about pressure!

What I'm referring to, by the way, is my watch.

It’s a Timex Ironman, and over the decade or so that I’ve owned it – and there’s no way I can resist using the phrase – it’s taken a lickin’ and kept on tickin’.

You see, these watches are made for males in their late teens and early twenties, where the entire point of their existence is to constantly do stupid stuff, which results in their bodies, and thus their watches, absorbing a terrific amount of punishment. (“Bet you can’t run through that wall!” “Oh yeah? You’re on!”)

Now, I was no different during that stage of my life, and my watch has the scars to prove it: The Indiglo light has long since stopped working, one of the buttons has fallen off, along with a screw that helps hold on the plastic facing, and the display is scratched to the point where it’s sometimes hard to actually make out the time. (“It’s scratch o’clock. Apparently.”)

But despite its cosmetic degradation, it still runs great, and I don’t see it giving up the ghost anytime soon.

So on one hand, it feels like I should keep it as a tribute to the fact that it’s still running after all these years. Why punish something for doing its job?

But on the other hand, it’s a Timex Ironman! Does anybody even wear those things anymore? I mean, it has a digital readout! How tacky is that? I just feel that I’m at the stage of my life where I should have a nice analog watch that will help me perpetuate the notion that I’m somehow a productive member of society.

However, if I haven’t yet given up on my clock radio, why would I give up on my watch? I mean, what would it say about me if I got rid of it just to upgrade to something a little nicer and more sophisticated? Would it say, “Hey, that guy knew when it was time to move on,” or would it say, “That jerk! He'd probably upgrade his mother if it were at all possible!” (It’s not, Mom! Promise! Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day! Hopefully I remember to call!)

So, as you can see, the decision is going to be a tough one. However, I've racked my brain on the matter for several long hours, and I've come up with several possible compromises:

·        I get the new watch, and I put the old one on my mantel in the place of honor that’s currently being taken by the trinket banjo I got in Nashville.

·        I get the new watch, but I continue to wear the old one until it or me dies. (So I’d either be wearing one on each arm or doubling up. What are the chances that's currently in style?)

·        Out of respect for my old watch, I don’t get the new one, but I draw a nice analog watch on my wrist in permanent marker.

Are there any other good compromises I haven't yet thought of?

Anyway, I'm going to have to end it here. It is, after all, scratch-thirty, and everybody knows that means it's time for bed.