The Chair

If I had a bucket list, and on said list was an item titled: “Sit on a cloud,” I’d now be able to cross it off.

Yup, I got a new chair. It’s soft. It reclines. It swivels. It perfectly cradles my every ounce. Basically, it’s become the most important thing in my life, narrowly edging out coffee.

I’ve known for a while that I needed a new chair. There was an empty space in my living room that even a life-sized cutout of John Wayne couldn’t fill, and a chair seemed like it would be the perfect thing. I just never got around to it, what with all of my time being consumed with the rigors of everyday life. Finally, however, I got down to business and bought one, and, as a result, I’ll never do anything productive again in my life, as I’ll be using all of my spare time to take chair naps.

Chair naps are amazing. They make couch naps feel like trying to sleep in a dumpster filled with angry raccoons. It’s hard to explain why they’re so much better. It’s something beyond measure, something intangible, but once you’ve experienced a good chair nap, you’ll never go back to the couch. (You may even feel the urge to occasionally spit on your couch in derision.)

As you can probably see, I’m completely enamored by my new piece of furniture. In fact, I now nap even when I’m not even remotely tired. Every time I walk by the chair, I’m inexorably pulled in its direction, as if it’s whispering soothingly to me, “Come to me and rest your eyes. Don’t worry, it’ll only be for a few minutes!!” I’ll then wake up three hours later, dazed, confused, but very happy. Put it this way: I have a hard time foreseeing any future when I’m not late for work less than fifty percent of the time.

Luckily, winter will be here soon, and then I won’t feel so bad about spending all of my time there. My plan is to while away those bitter months napping, reading, and drinking coffee, sometimes all at once. I have a feeling I may even sleep through Christmas.

Let it snow!!!