Umbrella

I'm now the owner of a new umbrella, and since I’ve never had one before, I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

For starters, I didn’t buy it. It was given to me by one of my employer’s clients. Also, it’s bright red, to the point where if I ever used it, it’d look like I was getting dive-bombed by one of the Angry Birds. (Or a giant, flattened tomato.)

Now, as a guy, I’ve never felt a need to use an umbrella. This started way back during my childhood, where I would refuse to carry one to the bus stop on rainy days. This was because boys back then needed to be tough, since in those days you didn’t get trophies for everything, such as taking last place, or not putting your pants on backwards for the fifth day in a row, and by carrying an umbrella I would have been guaranteed to be beaten up as soon as I stepped onto the bus, mainly by my friends, since one of the official duties of being a friend is to make sure your other friends don’t go soft on you.

And so, in order to not be beaten up, I just elected to be sick a lot, which, I might add, was totally worth it.

But now I’m grown up and living in Minnesota, where we’ve just passed spring and have entered into the monsoon season, which is defined by the fact that it’s only pouring rain when it isn’t drizzling or misting. (At this point, investing in a canoe seems like a smart idea, just so I’ll have a way to get to the grocery store.)

Anyway, an umbrella might come in handy, but unfortunately, there's still a bit of the little boy in me who doesn’t want to be a wimp and get beaten up. That part of me wants to do the opposite of using an umbrella during a storm, which would be to strip down to my underwear, stand outside, and yell, “Is that all you’ve got???!!!! Bring it on!!!”

In short, I’m not sure if I’m going to use it or not. However, I can say that I’m already glad that I have it, for two reasons: One, when it’s not opened, I can pretend it’s a sword and use it to defeat invisible bad guys, which is a lot of fun, and two, I can entertain myself for hours on end by pressing the button and opening it, then folding it back up and repeating. (“Umbrella opens up! Umbrella closes! Umbrella opens up! Umbrella closes!”)

Well, I’m not going to figure this out by sitting in front of a keyboard. I’d better get down to some serious thinking. Unless, of course, some invisible burglars have snuck in, in which case I’ve been working on a few new moves that I'm just dying to try.