Traffic Report

Maybe it’s because I’m from a small town with no stoplights and where stop signs are more of a suggestion than anything else, but I just don’t understand the radio traffic reports here in the Twin Cities.

Here’s my issue: These traffic reports are about 98% identical to each other from one day to the next, since the same roads are always bogged down at the same times, regardless of the day. It’s not like things are going to change from Monday to Tuesday, yet it’s still considered big news that needs to be reported when 94 westbound at the Lowry Hill Tunnel is moving slow in the afternoon. Well, duh! It’s moved slow there every single working day afternoon over the past decade, and probably even longer than that! Are there really people out there who find this information useful? (“Maybe traffic will be light at the Lowry Hill Tunnel today, even though I’ve never actually seen it happen and instead always have to sit in bumper-to-bumper traffic hoping that nobody notices I’m picking my nose! I’d better listen to find out! Dang! It’s backed up! Who’d have guessed? Well, maybe tomorrow!”)

I mean, even though the information being dispensed is technically accurate, is there any point if everybody is already aware of it? It’s sort of like if the evening news always began like this: “Today, no work was accomplished at Capital Hill, since lawmakers were too busy drafting accusatory statements against one another and generally acting like spoiled children to actually do anything productive for the nation. Also, Joe Biden said something that will make Democrats wish he had an internal seven-second tape delay, and Rush Limbaugh yelled a lot.”

In my opinion, the traffic report could be streamlined dramatically simply by reporting only slowdowns that aren’t expected. For example, an entire report could go like this: “Traffic is slow in all of the usual spots, along with at a Holiday gas station in Plymouth, where an old lady appears to be circling around the pumps endlessly, not sure of which one to choose.”

Now that’s efficiency! Just get out the information that the listeners aren’t already aware of! Think of the saved time and the new opportunities to listen to other things, such as . . . um . . . the morning DJs who think they’re the most hilarious people on the face of the planet, at least based on the amount of airtime they spend laughing uncontrollably at their own jokes. Wait a minute. I think I’m beginning to finally understand the traffic reports. Scratch everything I just said.