Traffic Light Equilibrium

The light turned green just as I was drawing near. I didn’t even have to slow down as I pulled through the intersection. People who’d been sitting there, stuck on red, since well before I was even a speck on the horizon watched me go, most likely grumbling at my good fortune.

Oh boy, I thought, is this ever gonna cost me.

I’m talking about traffic light equilibrium. My theory is that there is some unknown force, currently undetectable even with the most sophisticated of equipment, which keeps track of your good and bad experiences with traffic lights and makes sure they balance out. So, for every green light you get just as you show up at a crowded intersection, which keeps you from sitting in line and watching the guy behind you pick his nose, you’re going to have to eventually pay for it in the form of sitting at some other intersection for what seems like several presidential administrations, watching everybody else stream by as you wonder if the traffic light is broken or if it just hates you.

I realize some would argue that this is just a product of mathematics and statistical probability. However, if that were the case, it would be pretty darn useless to write about, and I’ve already gotten too far into it to stop now. So the heck with mathematics and statistical probability. What’s that ever gotten us, anyway?

Now, back to the subject at hand, on which I don’t claim to be any sort of export. I haven’t done nearly enough city-driving to have accumulated the necessary evidence to make any firm conclusions. For example, does how much of a hurry you’re in play a part? Let’s say you’re on the verge of being late for work and there’s an important meeting you have to make. If you hit a green light at an intersection where you usually get delayed, and because of it you make the meeting on time, does that mean that the Traffic Light Counterbalance Force will make up for it at some later time by giving you a red when you’re in just as much of a hurry? Or does it just mean that you’ll get a red at some undetermined point in the future, and whether you’ll be in a hurry or not is left purely up to chance?

This is an important question. If how much you’re in a hurry doesn’t play into it, then in theory you could drive around in rush hour someday when you have nowhere to be and collect red lights, just so you’ll have banked up a series of greens for the future, which will hopefully be distributed when you need them the most. (“The store is about to close and I desperately need to buy Twinkies! Come on light, be green!!!!”)

Also, can you do things to slant things in your favor, sort of like karma? For example, if somebody cuts you off rudely and you choose not to tailgate them for numerous miles while blowing your horn and gesturing, will you build up some good karma that will afford you a few more green lights somewhere down the road? Conversely, if you go out of your way to drive through a puddle at 80 miles an hour just to splash an unsuspecting pedestrian, will you be punished with a series of future red lights? However, what if the pedestrian was one of those people who goes running just to show off to everybody in traffic? (“Look at me! I’m healthy! I could have easily chosen an easier route where I wouldn’t have to navigate numerous crowded intersections, but I didn’t! Ha ha!”) In that case, would it even matter? In fact, could you possibly earn a few green lights for it?

As you can see, this subject is not to be taken lightly. It can have a major impact on your life, and so the more you learn, the better off you’ll be. I, for one, know that my education on the matter has just begun, and I’m looking forward to growing my knowledge base.

Of course, you could just move out to the country where there are no stoplights or heavy traffic and avoid the whole thing. But then you’d have to deal with such things such as cows in the road and a lack of a convenient restaurant serving artery-clogging food every four square feet. The decision, ultimately, is yours.