Unleashing My Inner Rage

I was recently talking to a co-worker and trying to write something down on a post-it note at the same time. As usual, the pen I was using decided that it really had no intention of functioning correctly. It would work for several moments, stop altogether for a while, and then start up again. This resulted in my finished note looking like nothing more than a jumble of random ink streaks.

Seeing this, I took the pen and flipped it across my desk, where it bounced and clattered in a satisfactory manner. Without breaking the conversation, I picked up a new pen and finished the note.

This prompted my co-worker to say, “Wow, I’ve never seen you get mad before.”

It was true. I was mad. I hate pens that don’t work.

It’s also true that I normally don’t get mad. But, for some reason, faulty pens bring out that side of me.

This got me to thinking about what other things make me drop my mild-mannered persona and turn me into as much of a snarling, uncontrollable lunatic as I possibly can be.

Here’s what I came up with:

1) Golfing. I’ve never really golfed in my life. However, I have been to the driving range several times. In each case the range itself was about eight miles wide. However, I was still able to slice the ball off of it at a pretty regular frequency. (Or perhaps “hook” is the right term, or maybe “shank”. “Completely screw up” fits also.) Anyway, as I repeatedly did this, I found myself getting incredibly angry, which never happens to me, and it was, quite frankly, scary. I can’t imagine what would happen if I played 9 holes of real golf, although I’m sure it would end with me repeatedly striking a golf cart with whatever club had just shank-hooked my ball into a thorn thicket that was not even in the remote vicinity of where I had been aiming.

2) People that whistle. I mean seriously, who wants to hear you whistle? To me, it’s just a sign of a person who is so self-involved that they want everybody that walks by them to notice them and think to themselves, “Hey, that person is whistling!”

3) Sportscasters who overuse the word ‘unbelievable’. For example, if a baseball player makes a nice leaping catch over the fence and steals a home run, they will shout enthusiastically, “That was unbelievable!” However, this happens several hundred times per season. What’s unbelievable about that? Have they not watched any of these other games? The same applies to when a football player makes a one-handed touchdown catch. Sure, it’s a nice play, but it happens frequently enough that the term ‘unbelievable’ does not really apply. It makes me think that when these sportscasters see something mundane, like a vending machine dispense a candy car, they must jump up and down and yell to anybody who is near, “Did you see that! It was unbelievable!” The point is, you need to save ‘unbelievable’ for something that is truly unbelievable, such as if the Lions ever win the Super Bowl.

There's more, but I’d better stop now. I’m getting angry just thinking about this.

Blogging Writer's Block

Apparantly, I've run out of anything interesting to say lately, as evidenced by my lack of recent posts.

I suppose what I should do is keep a low profile until I'm inspired, and only then post something, so that the material will stay high-quality. (Relative to me, of course)

Or, I could push ahead and publish inferior material for the sole purpose of trying to seem relevant and to make myself feel important. I mean, how could that go wrong?

Wait a minute, that gives me an idea for a topic!

If My Ideas For Blogging Topics Were A:

1) Desert scene - There would be tumbleweeds lazily drifting by, and a bleached white cow skull baking in the sun.

2) Sporting Event - The stadium would be completely devoid of fans, and the only thing going on would be a single game of horseshoes between two 80 year old guys, one who can't hear and the other who mumbles.

3) Band - The drummer would be stuck in traffic, the lead guitarist would have two broken wrists, and the lead singer would have laryngitis.

4) Movie - It would be a horrible remake of some 80's TV show, and would lose the spirit of the original, while still not bringing anything new to the table.

5) Dang it! I can't think of another one! Oh well, that figures.

Ernie

It’s been quite a long time since I listened to a Detroit Tigers game. But when I was a kid, I recall lying down on the counter in the kitchen, next to the radio, complete with a pillow and a sleeve of crackers, where I’d listen to the game, which was of course called by Ernie Harwell and Paul Carey.

I can remember Ernie announcing the first part of the Tigers’ lineup: “Batting first, at second base, Lou Whitaker. Batting second, at shortstop, Alan Trammel. Batting third, in right field, Kirk Gibson, Batting fourth, and catching, Lance Parrish…..”

The thing about Ernie was that he wasn’t a homer. If somebody from the opposing team hit a home run, his ‘Long Gone’ call would be just as enthusiastic as if it was a Tiger who had hit it. That alone told you that even though he was working for the Tigers, he truly loved the game.

What always baffled me, back then, was just how Ernie knew where the fans were from when he announced their hometown after they had caught a the foul ball.

Then there was the magical season, pre-steroids, where Cecil Fielder was chasing 50 home runs. I remember when he was at 49, and standing in the batter’s box in Tiger Stadium, and I swear Ernie said something along the lines of, “If he hits it here, they’ll be able to hear the cheers all the way up in Fulton!”

There are probably a million articles already out there about him. If you haven’t read any, I highly recommend that you do.

Customer Disservice

Lately, one of the local gas station chains has made several changes to the traditional customer service model which, in my opinion, are not quite working out.

First, no matter what you purchase, the cashier will now always ask you if you would like any of their specials today, which typically are artery-clogging items such as cookies or doughnuts. This means that, for example, if you dump an armload of junk food in front of them which contains as estimated 14,000 calories, they will still look you in the eye and ask you if you’re interested in their cinnamon buns, as if the 14,000 calories you’re already purchasing are not enough for a gluttonous hog such as yourself. It makes it hard not to respond, in a snarky manner, like this: “No thanks, I was only planning on one stomach pumping, today!”

Second, they cashiers no longer say, “Have a nice day.” Instead, they say, “See you later.” The problem with this is that since you normally do not know this cashier, saying 'see you later' makes it sound like they will soon be stalking you wherever you go, perhaps to see if you will buy some chocolate chip cookies, since they are only four for a dollar.

The cashiers, to their credit, are already aware of these issues, and they mostly sound embarrassed when they have to do and say these things. Because of this, I am typically polite and try not to make things more awkward than they already have to be. It’s the hyper cashiers that truly want to be your friend, and who truly believe you need to buy the special items, that get to me. They are so annoyingly friendly that they make the act of checking out fairly torturous. While they are happily prattling on about their incredible deals, I am impatiently tapping my foot and wondering just how big the lawsuit would be if my steaming hot cup of coffee accidentally spilled in their geenral direction.

But then again, maybe I am overreacting a little to this. Maybe I should try to lighten up a little. I mean, look how much energy I've already devoted to complaining about this.

Nah. What fun would that be? Plus, I really don’t need the cookies.