So I’m in a bit of a pickle.
Have you ever done something so ridiculously stupid that you instantly wanted it to be purged forever from the annals of both written and oral history? However, at the same time, was this stupid thing also so amusing that you realized it could actually help to make this crazy world a better place, were it to be shared with the masses?
Yeah, so that’s where I’m at right now, and I can tell you it’s not an easy decision to make.
However, since I don’t want to bore while I think through this conundrum, let me tell you a completely unrelated story about this guy I know. Aside from being devilishly handsome and incredibly witty, he’s just your normal, everyday kind of guy. Anyway, not that long ago he dropped by his local Holiday gas station during his lunch break in order to pick up some fresh coffee and to air himself out a bit. (Working from home has its perks, but there are times when you start to wonder just how many days it’s been since you’ve last seen the sun.)
Now, this guy has been firmly in the 20-ounce-coffee camp for most of his life. However, lately he’d been dabbling a bit with 24-ouncers, which cost only ten cents more. Yeah, I know: living life on the edge, right? Anyway, deciding to stick with his recent trend, our hero grabbed a 24-once cup and placed it into the machine that grinds the beans right then and there. (Hey, when you’re at Holiday, you tend to pamper yourself.) After punching a few buttons and getting things all cranked up, he then did his usual, which was to stand in front of the conveniently-located doughnut display and see just how well his willpower would hold up. Amazingly, he was able to resist the numerous temptations, but when he turned back to his freshly-brewed coffee, he realized his happiness was destined to be short-lived. You see, although he’d placed a 24-ounce cup into the machine, he’d accidentally picked 20 ounces from the digital menu. So, he was now left with a cup filled with four ounces less than its maximum capacity.
Obviously, the easiest solution would have been to top it off with some of the pre-brewed java from another machine, but frankly, that thought never crossed his mind. Instead, he immediately began to wonder if he should just eat the ten cents and pay for the full 24 ounces. (Obviously, he wasn’t going to discuss the situation with the cashier and try to explain what had happened. That would be asinine!) However, he just didn’t feel right about getting overcharged, even if it was only by ten cents. His stubbornness—one of his greatest strengths and also a debilitating weakness—was beginning to rear its at-times-ugly head.
Finally, deciding that he simply wasn’t going to pay for four ounces he wouldn’t be able to consume, he determined that it’d be a trivial matter to just grab a 20-ounce cup and transfer the contents into it. Easy-peasy, right? Granted, the result would be an additional cup in the local landfill, but in his mind it was a worthwhile tradeoff. So, feeling just a bit conspicuous at having to engage in such an atypical exercise, he grabbed a cup and began to dump his 20 ounces of coffee into it.
Except it wasn’t a 20-ounce cup.
Yup, you guessed it: Our hero had accidentally grabbed a 16-ounce cup, and by the time he realized his mistake, he was left with two cups, each containing different volumes of liquid gold. It was at this point that he began to get flustered. I mean, seriously?? Who messes up cup size twice?? Mathematically speaking, it was quite a momentous achievement, but to him it was a sign that he should have just taken a day of PTO and stayed in bed.
Now, if he’d have been smart, our hero would have simply conceded defeat, dumped the 16 ounces back into the 24-ounce cup, paid for the extra four ounces, and called it a day. However, he was now getting annoyed—both at himself and the universe for making a mockery of what should have been such a simple task. So, fueled by his stubbornness, he grabbed a third cup, this time making certain it was 20 ounces. He’d come this far, darn it, and there was no way he wasn’t going to walk out without paying for and consuming exactly the 20 ounces of coffee he'd accidently brewed!!!
It was at this point that another customer entered the store and walked over to get his own fill of caffeine. Looking back over his shoulder—with three different sized cups filled with varying amounts of coffee—our hero had no idea what to say; he figured he must look like some sort of mad scientist, vigorously transferring liquids from one container to another, seemingly at random. Hoping to diffuse the situation with humor—his trademark go-to move—he racked his brain and said, and I’m quoting here, “Um . . . don’t mind me.”
Ugh.
“Don’t mind me?”
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, UGH!!
At that point, fleeing was the only viable option left. Luckily, our hero had just finished filling up his 20-ounce cup with the contents of the two others. Throwing the empty containers away so they could spend the rest of their miserable existences clogging up some unlucky landfill, he quickly made his way over to the cashier, happy to be wearing a winter hat so his suddenly-crimson ears couldn’t be seen.
Now, I’m quite certain that some of you are now wondering when our protagonist is going to accidentally drop his 20-ounce cup onto the floor, finishing the story with a dramatic flourish. However, I’m happy to report that didn’t happen. Instead, he managed to escape without incurring further damages to his pride, to the point where the emotional scars he sustained aren’t so bad that he can’t go back out into public on occasion. So, that’s good news.
Still, I sometimes wonder about the other guy—the one who walked up and witnessed the tail end of the incident at the peak of its escalation. I wonder what his thoughts were on the whole thing? Maybe, if we're lucky, he has his own blog and we can eventually get his own unique perspective on the matter.
Oh, and by the way, I’ve decided that I’m not going to tell you my embarrassing story. A man has to have a little self-respect!
