Roughly eight months ago, I decided to grow some facial
hair, and for the record, it wasn’t a decision I took lightly. In fact, it
was something I’d been resisting for quite some time. Let me explain. As most
of you may know, I’m what’s considered in the more intellectual circles to be “folically
challenged” (and “bald as a cue ball” in others), and as a result, over the
last few years I’ve taken to shaving my head. Now, at some point I realized
that a lot of men in the same situation as me seemed to have grown facial hair in
order to sort of even things out, and so, because I’m a very stubborn person,
I quickly decided that I was never going to become one of them. Heck no, I’d
accept my fate with dignity! I wasn’t going to freak out and overcompensate by
growing some massive beard that would instantly make operating pencil sharpeners,
paper shredders, and even rogue can openers, a potentially dangerous activity
that could land me on YouTube as a viral sensation.
But then, as time passed, I came to realize two important
things. The first was that shaving one’s head is quite time consuming, not to
mention incredibly boring. (If you’ve never done it, I highly recommend you
give it a try, even if you’re female. It’ll allow you to get a better
understanding of where I’m coming from here, and I can also laugh at you hysterically
the next time we cross paths.)
The second, and more important, thing that I realized was that my head was just plain
boring, by which I mean it sort of looked like a giant big toe that wore
glasses.
I soon reasoned that facial hair would help to mitigate both
problems. I’d have less shaving to do in total, and it’d also give my face
another dimension. (The dimension of fuzz.) It was still a tough decision, but
after much deliberation, which included several pros and cons lists, multiple
Venn diagrams, a few rough sketches, and at least one flowchart, I finally decided
to make my move.
Now, growing facial hair is always embarrassing, because at
first it just seems like you’re too lazy to shave more than once a week. However,
I circumvented this issue by growing mine while on vacation. It was a
tactically brilliant move – probably ranking somewhere in my personal Top 10 – with the only downside being that everybody on
the Oregon coast and northern California now thinks that I’m too lazy to shave
more than once a week.
Still, it was worth it, because this simple act begat
incredible results, basically transforming me into an entirely different person!
No longer was I a giant big toe that wore glasses! No, that was but a thing of
the past! Instead, I’d been transformed into – and please keep in mind here
that this went well beyond my wildest dreams – a giant big toe with glasses that
had forgotten to wipe away a smudge of dirt! Now if that’s not progress, I
don’t know what is!
And so, as you can probably guess, eight months later I’m
pretty satisfied with my decision. In fact, as a bonus, I’ve also discovered
that facial hair has a couple of additional advantages I hadn’t even known
about. First, I strongly believe that it makes me look tougher, as I now seem
to be scaring more children than usual, and second, it can be used as an
impromptu mop in a pinch. (And don’t even get me started on its usefulness as a
steel wool replacement.)
On the flip side, however, I’ve also discovered it has one
big disadvantage, which is that it’s basically a giant magnet for foreign
particles, such as food, insects, and small pieces of building material. It’s gotten
to the point where I know it’s just a matter of time before I end up having the
following conversation:
Person A: Wow, your beard is really turning gray!
Me: (surprised) It is?
Person A: Yeah, and it happened quick, too! Like over the
last few days!
Me: Hold on…wait a minute…let me see here…nope, that’s just
toothpaste!
Person A: Ewww!
Me: Say, why is your name Person A, anyway?
Person A: I’m leaving.
But still, I believe that overall it’s been an
overwhelmingly positive experience, and I’m quite certain that I’ll stick with it. Just as long as you do me a favor and let me know
when I need to wipe away the toothpaste. Thanks in advance.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
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