Yoosta Be A Yooper

 

I yoosta be a Yooper, but that was a long time ago, and occasionally I find myself wondering, just how much Yooper is still left in me?

For example, I can’t recall the last time I used the phrase “you’se guys!” That in itself is a major cause for concern.

Luckily, a rather large snowstorm just rolled through the Twin Cities, and now I feel a little better. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This morning I was at work, monitoring the weather radar online, along with probably everybody else in the company. The Great Storm was coming. According to the online chatter, we’d be lucky to make it out of this one alive. Two inches of snow? Four? Six? It didn’t matter!! There’s nowhere else to put the snow! We were going to be buried! Mass extinction was inevitable!

The radar showed a giant blob the size of Nebraska slowly making its way northeast, on the collision course with the Twin Cities. I found this to be rather interesting, and I decided that while the online chatter was probably overblown, the storm still wasn’t something to ignore. I quickly made the decision to leave work early, before the commute home bogged down too badly. (During storms in the Twin Cities, the two preferred methods of driving are Going Way Too Slow And Then Into The Ditch, along with Going Way Too Fast And Then Into The Ditch.)

And so, just as the snow was beginning to come down somewhat heavily, I was on my way. The drive home turned out to not be very bad at all, and I arrived safely, feeling smug and satisfied with my decision.

Shortly after, however, I began to feel the nagging doubts about how much Yooper I still had in me. I mean, I left work early because I was afraid of snow!!! No Yooper does that! And that wasn’t even the worst part! I’d been watching the weather radar! In the U.P., there’s no point in ever looking at the radar. The giant blob the size of Nebraska is always there, from October through May!!!

I glanced out the window and realized that it looked like a typical U.P. winter day. And here I was, running scared!

I decided to redeem myself as best I could.

An hour or so after dinner, while the rest of the Twin Cities was holed up indoors, I put on my boots, hat, and gloves, and stepped outside. (Actually, I put on more than that.) Whoa! Things had gotten worse! The snow was moving horizontally now, and the accumulation was pretty impressive. In fact, it was looking like a worse than average February U.P. day!

Perfect.

And so, striving for some form of redemption, I went for a walk in a snowstorm for no reason, and it was fantastic. It was cold and windy and snowy and blustery and miserable and just perfect. Nobody was out and about. I had the great outdoors to myself. I was pleased to see no other tracks where I was walking, which was where the sidewalk was supposed to be. It reminded me of trekking to the bus stop when I was a kid. I turned around and walked backwards to get out of the wind. I hadn’t executed that move in several decades. As the snow continued to whip around, I began to feel better about myself.

After a while, I turned around ta go back. Dere was snow down my neck, but I didn’t really care. A little snow never hurt nobody. I kept goin’, thinking that it’d been a long time since I had pasty for supper. A couple’a cars drove by, but I don’t think they saw me. I wondered if Mr. Norm was still on WCCY, and when the last time I had Baroni’s spaghetti was. It was pretty tough going there for a while, but I soon got useta it.

‘Bout tirty minutes later, I got back home. I took off my swampers, mittens, and chook, and put them by the register to dry. I wanted a cup’a coffee, but it was too late. That caffeine stuff keeps me awake, you know, and I do hafta work tomorrow.

Anyways, I think I proved a little somethin’ tonight. You’se guys, I think I still got a little Yooper left in me!

Get Rich Quick Scheme

So I figured out how to get rich! And better yet, since I’m desperate for any sort of attention, I’m going to share my idea with you!

As with most get-rich-quick stories, this one begins at Kwik Trip. (Source: Bureau of Imaginary Statistics) I was checking out, and my total came to $8.07. This didn’t seem like a worthy enough amount to break out a credit card for, so I paid with a ten-dollar bill.

Now here’s where things get interesting: The cashier proceeded to give me two dollars in change! Immediately, my mind started spinning, and before I’d left the building, I realized that I’d hit the mother lode. (If I was a cartoon character, my eyes would have turned into dollar signs.)



 

Here’s my line of thinking: People are lazy, and cashiers are people, so cashiers are thus lazy. (Source: Associative Property Of Laziness) Now, as more and more people begin to pay for goods with credit cards, cashiers will have to handle cash much less, and when they do, especially to make change, it will become more and more of an annoyance to them. Thus, over time, they will be more likely to take short cuts, such as giving somebody $2.00 back instead of $1.93, since they're too lazy to count out ninety-three cents in change.

So my plan now is to pay for everything with cash and force the cashiers to make change. This will be a huge annoyance to them, and over time they’ll begin to cut bigger and bigger corners in my favor just to save themselves some work. Think about it! I saved seven cents today, but that’s just the beginning! Cashiers are only going to get lazier! That number is bound to go up! Pretty soon I’ll pay for a $9.99 purchase with a ten and get back a full dollar! Or even a five! It’s foolproof! Hooray for the growing culture of laziness and entitlement in this great land!

Of course, in order for this to work I have to buy lots of stuff, perhaps stuff I don’t even use, such as deodorant. And I’m not really making money on the deal, just paying less. So, in retrospect, I guess it’s more of a go-broke-slower scheme than a get-rich-quick scheme.

But what the heck, I’ll do it anyway. It’s fun watching cashiers get annoyed when they have to count out change!