The Case Of The issing Letter

So one of the letters on y keyboard isn’t working. I’ pretty sure you can figure out which one it is. If you can’t, then perhaps reedial spelling lessons  are in order for you.

Anyway, this leaves e with an interesting, albeit slightly ausing proble.

The easiest solution would be to just get a new keyboard. However, it would also be the least fun.

Instead, I could try to fix the broken key, but knowing y past attepts at being a handyan, I’ pretty sure I’d end up setting the entire keyboard on fire. Also, I looked up how to do it online, and it consisted of about thirty-seven total steps, each ore confusing than the last. I started to read the, but I had to put a cold copress on y head and lay down for a while after getting to about step 10, as it was just too overwheling for a siple an such as yself.

I guess I could also just live with the issing key. It would be a learning experience, as I’d have to becoe very good at synonys. For any word I'd want to use that include the issing letter, I’d have to find a replaceent word or phrase with the sae eaning to use instead, but which didn’t include the issing letter. Here are soe exaples:

 issing -> unfindable
 y -> belonging to nobody else
 aybe -> perhaps
 ilkan -> dairy delivery person
 ilkshake -> a thoroughly shaken or blended drink constructed of dairy products, a flavoring syrup, and often butterfat.

Here is a saple sentence translation:

y ilkshake is issing! Who took it? aybe the ilkan! -> Belonging to nobody else, a thoroughly shaken or blended drink constructed of dairy products, a flavoring syrup, and often butterfat is unfindable! Who took it? Perhaps the dairy delivery person!

Well, aybe that’s not the best exaple, but you get the general idea.

Anyway, until I ake y decision on what the final solution will be, I think I’ll just go ahead and have soe fun with it by constructing rando sentences that look ausing because of the issing letter:

“any onths ago, y icrowave  elted because of the alicious works of a adan naed ichael.”

Ha! I crack yself up!

Adventure In Running

Typically, when you see somebody jogging, they are utilizing one of two pretty standard facial expressions:

Grim, But Determined – Their eyes are squeezed almost shut, their jaws are set, and their faces are grim masks of determination, which gives the expression its name. These people are really focused! (Or perhaps constipated. The two looks are eerily similar.) The point is, these people realize that running isn’t exactly the most fun thing in the world to do, coming in just behind wisdom teeth extraction with minimal anesthesia, but they know it’s something they need to engage in if they don’t want to have to get a pair of fat pants, and so they’re totally embracing it. Nothing will stop them! If one of their legs were to fall off, they’d just hop along on the other and curse bitterly when the run was over because they’d wish their time had been better.

Frightened and Defeated – I usually fall into this category. This is when the runner knows they’re making a huge mistake by either trying to run further than they should, or by even lacing up their shoes in the first place. “Why am I even out here?” is the thought their wide eyes and comically contorted faces seem to be expressing. “Why fight the inevitable? I don’t mind my fat pants one bit! They’re really comfortable! I’ll just say I’m big-boned!”

Now, despite these two expressions being the norm, I recently managed to incorporate a completely different one while I was out running. But it wasn’t my fault. It was Click and Clack’s.

For those of you who don’t know, Click and Clack are the hosts of Car Talk, a weekly automobile call-in show on NPR. Without going into any details, because that would be way too much like work, I’ll just say that the show can be quite amusing.

Anyway, I was listening to a podcast of it while I was running, and I hit a particularly chuckle-inducing portion.

Have you ever heard the expression not being able to chew gum and walk at the same time? Well, it turns out that holds true for me in terms of running and laughing. My brain just doesn’t have enough cognitive power to spread out amongst both tasks, which causes each to function at less than optimal levels.

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I started to smirk, which was when my brain began to struggle to keep up. I tried to stifle the laugh but failed. This is when the proverbial wheels fell off. No longer fully focused on running, I was forced to slow down, and my running form, which was never pretty to begin with, morphed into some sort of wobbling catastrophe you’d most likely associate with a man trying not to fall over while wearing stilts, all while my face screwed up into the ridiculous expression one gets when they try and fail to hold back an explosive belly laugh.

That’s a fun mental picture, isn’t it?

I’m pretty sure I was a sight to those people who drove by at that time and saw me “running” on the sidewalk. I obviously wasn’t falling into either of the two before-mentioned categories. I wasn’t grim, but determined, and I most certainly wasn’t frightened and defeated. Instead, insanity would have been the most logical conclusion: “He’s laughing and running! That doesn’t even make sense!”

Eventually, I was able to regain control and continue on in a fairly normal fashion. However, I’m now a little gun shy of listening to Car Talk while running, as the next time this happens, it might be even worse.

But then again, who really cares? It was kinda fun, and I’m sure I managed to entertain a few people in the process.

Heck, maybe I should take it another step and try to see what else happens with different types of audible stimuli. For example, I could listen to an audio book, one that’s very sad, such as Old Yeller, and then I could run and blubber at the same time. Or I could listen to a political podcast and see if I could fall asleep while running. Or I could listen to any random boy band and cringe. That would probably make me run the fastest, in an attempt to get home as soon as possible.

Utah Ho! Day 8

Vacation Log: Day 8

Cedar City – 6:48 AM

Got to sleep in! Woo-hoo!

Anyway, gearing up for Kolob Arch. If I were overdramatic, I’d say something like, “Time to rock ‘n’ roll!”

Ah, what the heck. Time to rock ‘n’ roll!

La Verkin Creek – 10:04 AM

Made it down to La Verkin Creek. (I think.) It’s been a meandering hike through the forest, much different from all of the other hikes in the desert. Now I’m sitting on a rock on the edge of the river, enjoying a drink of water. Still a ways to go until the arch.

The hike up will be great, since we’ve been steadily descending the whole time so far. D’oh!

Break time!

Kolob Arch – 11:31 AM

Yup, it’s a giant arch all right. There’s only one place to take a picture of it from, so I now have the same pic that everybody else who’s ever come here has also taken.

Everybody has this pic

I switched it up by adding the tree in w/ the pic. Maybe only 3/4 of the people who've been here have taken this picture...

There are roughly eight-million flies circling me right now. Either I smell like a landfill and they’re following me, or this is where they come to hang out every day. Maybe it’s both.

I suppose it’s time to go. About 7 miles back, mostly uphill.

Time to rock ‘n’ – never mind.

On the way back.

Interstate 15 – 2:52 PM

On the way to Salt Lake City, with the last hike in the books. (It beat the stuffing out of me.) I threw out my boots, as they had no grips left. I was getting sick of continually slipping and sliding down any incline. This wasn’t due entirely to this trip, but it sure finished them off.

Four hours until Salt Lake City. Flight back to MN early tomorrow morning.

Time to listen to Willie’s Roadhouse on XM while I still have the chance.

Interstate 15 – 4:15 PM

Walking is a challenge due to my faltering limbs. (Too much hiking) Stopped at a gas station a while back and I creaked inside. It must have been comical seeing me shuffling along, at about one-tenth of a mile and hour.

The terrain between Zion and Salt Lake City is incredibly boring. Washed out yellow for as far as the eye can see.

Salt Lake City – 8:47 PM

And so ends another vacation. It’ll be nice to get back into a routine of some sort again, even though it means the world will start turning again for me. It seems like this is ending at just the right time. There are, however, a few things I’ll miss:

1. Only shaving every three or four days
2. Laughing at everybody else as they’re going to work
3. Eating out virtually every meal of the day

My weary legs, though, aren’t going to miss a thing.

Additional Thought: Khaki has also proven himself, matching the performance of Greenie to the point where there is no clear victor. This means that both will be promoted to the rank of Chief Pair Of Hiking Pants.

Utah Ho! Day 7

Vacation Log: Day 7

Springdale – 5:25 AM

Huh. Here we go again. At least I have a gas station sandwich for breakfast this morning. MMMMMM...preservatives...

Observation Point Trail - 8:56 AM

Top of the world! Or so it feels. A little over 2 hours of climbing to get here were worth it. Looking down into Zion Canyon. I can hear and see people on Angel’s Landing, well below me. It was an eventful trip up:

1. Saw a guy climbing one of the cliffs where we got off the bus at Weeping Rock. This was just before sunrise. All that could really be seen was his light, bobbing around a little way up the sheer rock face. Lurch: “What if he meets a mountain goat? Man vs. mountain goat. Who would win? Probably the mountain goat.”

2. Some chick pitched a tent in the middle of the hiking trail and spent the night there. She was just waking up as we passed by. Not sure the point of that maneuver.

3. Stalked a deer. For me, “stalking”, to be accurate, is akin to a guy walking around w/ multiple pots and pans attached to him. The deer was tame, though, so we got almost close enough to touch. He was also a jokester. Every time I took a picture, he stuck his butt at me.

So hilarious.

 

4. Saw mountain goats way up there, on a near vertical. They dislodged several rocks, which fell down the cliff and shot across the trail in front of us at about 800 mph. Whoa. Then one of them knocked loose a stick with multiple jagged points that did the same thing. After witnessing this, we picked our spot and sprinted through the danger zone. Lurch: “We saw wildlife. And didn’t get killed.”

They're up there. Promise.

 

Zoomed in view

 

Now I sit at Observation Point, as Lurch matches wits w/ a chipmunk who’s trying to get into his backpack. As of now, they’re evenly matched.

What a great hike!

Views from the top of Observation Point

Weeping Rock Bus Stop - 11:11 AM

The mountain climber guy is still slowly making his way up. (I imagine that’s the only way to climb a mountain.) He's just a speck on the cliff. There might be two of them, actually, but it’s hard to tell. Good look guy(s)!

Almost sick of hiking. Luckily, only one hike remains, and that’s tomorrow.

Additional Lurchism, on the way back from Observation Point, where the trail follows along the side of a mountain, with a straight drop off on one side: "This is no place to do an Irish Jig."

Cedar City – 3:05PM

Made it to the next destination, which is 20 miles from Zion’s seldom used northwestern section. Tomorrow is a hike to Kolob Arch, 14 miles in total. A fitting capper to the week. At this point, after all of this hiking, I should be able to crank it out w/out even breaking a sweat. Or just collapse a few steps in. It’ll be interesting to see.

Cedar City – 9:14 PM

Nothing new to report. It just seemed like this day needed an evening update.

Utah Ho! Day 6

Vacation Log: Day 6

Springdale – 5:21 AM

Why am I awake? Something about beating the crowds, as I recall. Seemed like a good idea yesterday. Curse the me of yesterday for making this plan! Well, time to see how this all plays out…

Angel’s Landing – 7:51 AM

Made it to the top! It’s freezing up here.

The last part of the hike (the interesting part) was up here.

The climb up wasn’t bad at all. Videos on the internet made it seem way worse. Never once did I feel uneasy. It’s still an experience, though!

Lots of chipmunks up here. Also saw a huge squirrel fighting obesity. Ha! Fat squirrel.

Chipmunk

 

Fat squirrel. At least it seemed fat at the time.

Very few people on the trail at this hour. I guess that’s the reason for the 5:15 wakeup. It’d be a pain fighting crowds up here.

The views are very nice, but not necessarily life-altering, as others tend to make it seem. Still, it’s well worth the trip.

View from the top, looking into Zion Canyon

Time to celebrate my victory w/ a Clif Bar!

Still, I can’t get too cocky. I still have to climb back down.

Looking down to Scout's Lookout, where lots of people chicken out on the way up. For perspective, see the outhouses and the person. (Yes, I can use MS Paint.)

Angel’s Landing Trailhead – 9:26 AM

Made it back! Going down was way more fun than coming up. Met lots of people on their way up. Glad we went so early.

Going to see the Emerald Pools next. Hopefully, they’re cool.

Kind of funny: I was talking w/ a random guy, and he eventually asked if I was from Canada. So close. It’s weird when my accent is in the minority.

Emerald Pools – 10:15 AM

Emerald Pools are okay. Would be better after some rain.

Not feeling the emerald-ness

 

 

Free shower!

George Barker Park – 1:12 PM

Sitting in the shade in Ultimate Relaxation mode. It’s roasting out here, now. Glad to be sedentary.

Currently recuperating for another jaunt this evening, destination TBD, although probably Hidden Canyon.

This park is by a river. Very relaxing to watch and listen to it rush by. Ahhhh…..

Hidden Canyon – 8:51 PM

Upon beginning this hike, my legs almost went on strike. However, after threatening them w/ jumping jacks, they fell in line.

Radar showed storm clouds, so I brought my rain gear. This guaranteed a dry hike. I’m pretty much a reverse rainmaker.

The hike itself is fun. After reaching the official end of the trail, which is at the mouth of Hidden Canyon, you can continue on into it, although there is no maintained trail. The sign says you’ll have to “scramble”. The sign is right. Lots of climbing and scrambling and sliding on rocks, felled trees, etc. It’s like a jungle gym for grownups. As a bonus, the canyon is cold. Definitely a good choice.

 

My pics in Hidden Canyon didn't turn out very well. But trust me, it's pretty neat.

Springdale – 9:43 PM

Apparently, one 5:15 AM wakeup call isn’t enough, so the same is planned for tomorrow. D’oh! But morning is the best time to get out and about, so it’ll be worth it.

I keep telling myself.

Utah Ho! Day 5

Vacation Log: Day 5

Peekaboo/Navaho Trail – 9:00 AM

Last Bryce hike. This trail is also used by horses, so a large portion of the journey has been spent dodging manure. Eew.

Discussion topics so far included Indiana Jones.

Turns out that if you come here after Labor Day and pick hikes greater than a mile, the trails are sparsely populated. My earlier reservations on this subject have been proven baseless.

Also, for the record, my penmanship is not improving w/ practice. Dang.

Springdale – 2:19 PM

Arrived at Zion National Park to discover that roughly ¾ of the earth’s population had the same brilliant idea. (I thought Bryce was busy!) But there’s a reason it’s so popular, I'm assuming, so I’m excited.

It’s going to be hot the next few days, Frying Pan Trail hot, so early and late hikes are a must.

Thinking of doing Angel’s Landing tomorrow. Gulp. Heights and I don’t get along, and Angel’s Landing requires you to climb up a narrow spine of rock w/ 1000 foot drops on either side. Best to get it over with.

If I have one goal on this trip, it’s to walk away from Angel’s Landing. Overdramatic? Perhaps. But it doesn’t change the fact that I find heights freaky, and I’m man enough to admit that. (But not enough to admit I scream like a girl when faced with them.)

Talked to a random lady who said she saw me at Bryce. She was on the rim and I was down below on one of the trails. Apparently, I’m memorable. Hooray!

Not sure what’s on tap for the rest of the day. It’s darn hot out, and currently I feel like melting into a puddle of lethargy.

Springdale – 8:32 PM

Ate at a restaurant earlier that had calorie counts on the menu. It kind of annoyed me, since ignorance is bliss, especially on vacation. Still, it was nice to know the Turkey Club would’ve cost me over 1,000 calories. I mean, really?

Anyway, the turkey dinner I had instead and the coffee I drank are currently duking it out to see if I get to bed on time or lay awake staring at the ceiling until 2:00 AM. Hopefully the former. Early day tomorrow, in order to beat the rush to Angel’s Landing. Alarm set for 5:15 AM. Really.

Additional Thought: I went into this w/ two pairs of hiking pants. Greenie (cause he's green) was up first, and he performed admirably thru the first half of the trip. Now, he’s been retired to the trunk of the car, in an admittedly undignified move, but one made necessary by his powerful odor, along with the fact that I refuse to do laundry on vacation. Soon, however, he’ll be washed at home, where he can then bask in his success and brag to all of my other pants about what a good job he did.

Now, Khaki is up. Hopefully, he can match Greenie. Only time will tell.

Utah Ho! Day 4

Vacation Log: Day 4

Fairyland Loop Trail – 9:00 AM

So far, so good. Picked the Fairyland Loop Trail, and haven’t seen another person on it yet. It’s always wise to skip the trails noted on the official park map with bold letters as OUR MOST POPULAR TRAIL!!!

Very peaceful here. Bryce Canyon is beautiful. I won’t begin to try and describe it because my adjectives aren’t working well this morning, plus I can’t last that long writing with a pencil on paper. 3^rd grade me would be so disappointed. Penmanship is atrocious. {Added note: Seriously. I could barely read what I’d written.}

Also, the beard is gone. Feels like I lost 10 pounds.

Fairyland Loop Trail – 10:10 AM

Halfway thru hike. A few people are out and about now, but not too many. Just went to Tower Bridge, and it was quite disappointing, unless you like tower bridges that are really small and which you can’t walk across.

On the plus side, I just found out that Black Cherry Almond Clif Bars are delicious. (Although while hiking long distances, pine cones would also probably be delicious.)

As I don’t want it to seem like I’m not enjoying myself, Bryce Canyon is quite impressive!

The intrepid explorers

Fairyland Loop Trail – 11:16 AM

Highlight of trip so far: Saw old couple hiking, each of whom had a small, battery powered plastic fan attached to the bill of their cap, in order to keep them cool. I was immediately jealous.

Climbed out of the canyon and back on the rim. 2.5 miles to go!

Fairyland Loop Trail – 12:32 PM

Making slow time. Spent what felt like several hours trying to get pictures of turkey vultures as they swooped around near the rim. Pretty sure my efforts will result in pics w/ black smudges that could either be birds or random dirt clods. But it was fun.

Better than I thought

Tropic – 1:47 PM

I like how hygienic standards lower dramatically on trips like this: “Well, I’ve only worn this shirt three times, so it looks to be the cleanest.”

Break time after the morning hike, which is nice, as it’s pretty hot out. Dirty shirt and socks and hiking boots are all airing out outside. I can’t imagine them being stolen: “Hey! Dirty socks! And nobody’s watching them! Score!” Even stealing the hiking boots probably wouldn’t be worth it: “Whoa, these things smell!”

Will do the Hat Shop Trail this evening.

Tropic – 8:49 PM

Well, despite the odds stacked up against me, forming a seemingly insurmountable wall, somehow, someway, I managed to make my farmer’s tan worse. Stupid sunburned arms.

Hat Shop Trail was kinda cool. It almost had to be, based solely on the name.

The Hat Shop.

Opposite side of the trail to the Hat Shop



Sunset in Bryce

Tomorrow is the last day in Bryce. Then on to Zion!

Utah Ho! Day 3

Vacation Log: Day 3

Navaho Knobs Trail – 9:11 AM

Mother Nature is an evil temptress indeed. This morning had been cool, with clouds blocking out the sun. This lured us to the Navaho Knobs Trail, which is 4.5 miles each way over exposed rock. Now, however, 47 minutes into the hike, the clouds are parting, allowing the sun the chance to try and lick the flesh from our bones.

Cloudy early on 

Less Cloudy

 Even less cloudy

I am, however, the proud owner of a new floppy sunhat, which not only protects me from the sun, but as an added benefit, also makes me look 87 years old.

Crap, it’s getting hot.

Navaho Knobs Trail – 9:41 AM

Official Hike Name: Fry Hard 2: Fry Harder

Navaho Knobs Trail – 11:18 AM

Sitting at the very top of Navaho Knobs! Official height: Way the heck up there. 360 degree panoramic view of a lot of rock.

Top of Navaho Knobs

 View from the top

 

The hike up was taxing. Seems like every turn would lead to several acres of exposed rock to walk across, glowing white in the sun. After this happened about a hundred times, it began to get old, as evidenced by the repeated frustrated yelling of, “Oh come on!” But it was well worth it.

 

These stretches were way longer than they look here...

No other hikers up here, which is why it’s nice to pick the longest hikes. It weeds out the sane.

Getting hungry. Time to forage in the ol’ backpack to see if somehow a freshly cooked pizza has appeared there.

The Open Highway – 3:47 PM

On the road to Bryce Canyon. Listened to Jim Gaffigan and heard a lot of bacon jokes. MMMMM funny...

In other news, my sock tan is entering hideous territory and I still need a shave. We’ll see how that all plays out.

Pizza later? (There was none in my pack.) Let’s hope so.

Quote of the day: “What am I, Spider-Man?” Lurch, faced w/ a climb up a 2-foot high rock shelf.

Town of Tropic (Near Bryce Canyon) – 9:08 PM

Bryce is swarming w/ tourists. Tourists annoy me, even though I’m one of them. Hypocritical? Yes. Does my hypocriticalness bother me? Not particularly.

Will probably be sharing the trails w/ lots of others. Hmmmm… Maybe I should shave. I don’t want to be mistaken for Sasquatch on vacation.

Oh, and there was pizza, and it was delicious.

Utah Ho! Day 2

Vacation Log: Day 2

Cassidy Arch – 11:03 AM

Since we’re apparently morons, the decided upon hike this morning was one named the “Frying Pan”. Needless to say, it’s been crazy hot. Lots of exposed rock baking in the sun, which I’ve been walking over while sweating profusely. Whee!

The Frying Pan

Luckily, it’s been worth it. Currently at Cassidy Arch, which offers good views to generate new potential facebook profile pics.

Unfortunately, the hike is only halfway over, with 4 miles to go, back over the Frying Pan. Forecast threatens rain, which would be refreshing, and the sky is getting cloudy. However, I packed rain gear that I bought 2 years ago and have never had the chance to use and would like to. That means the actual chance of rain is 0.0%

Watching the clouds darken

Grand Wash Trail Trailhead – 1:20 PM

No rain. Took a different trail back to the highway, just to switch it up a bit. Unfortunately, it doesn’t end at the same place as the car was parked, which means a 2 mile hike on the highway is in order. The plus side? Going to attempt to hitchhike for the first time in my life. I wonder if I need to show a little leg or something?

Views from the Grand Wash Trail

Torrey – 3:20 PM

After seeing about 8,000 motorcycles, success! Picked up by a guy from Utah, who let us ride in the back of his truck. He had everything back there, including fishing poles, pickaxes, water coolers, spare tires, etc. If society were to collapse, he’d be one of the competent who’d shrug and then keep on going with no problems, while I’d be dead after about two hours.

Taken while hitchhiking, minutes before being picked up

About one million degrees outside. Tourists seem to come out of the woodwork in the afternoon to see the sites and get seriously dehydrated. Silly.

Hunkering down to rest in the A/C before going out for another hike tonight.

Boy, I’m getting scruffy. My beard, if you can even call it that, is hideous. However, no urge to shave. Yes! Vacation!

Old Wagon Loop Trail – 7:39 PM

Sitting on a jumble of rocks, surrounded by hills and mountains. It’s cooling off, and it’s very windy. Quite refreshing not to be sweating out of every pour in my body. Waiting as the sun goes down, hoping that something cool happens in the sky. I’m feeling pessimistic. Not an ideal location to view sunset. However, I’m on a jumble of rocks, surrounded by hills and mountains, so I really shouldn’t complain.

It turned out all right