Seriously, I get lazy one time, and I get nailed.
Here's the deal. I didn't shave before church this Sunday, which left me with about two days worth of growth. A little fuzzy, but no big deal, right?
However, it wasn't long before my nephew, who was sitting one pew up, leaned over and informed me, "When you get home you have to take a bath and shave your whiskers."
The whiskers I can see. But a bath? I thought I had that covered.
Maybe I just need to invest in a better deodorant.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Musical Overreaction
So I bought a CD recently. For you youngsters out there, CDs are something that, along with an obsolete piece of technology called a CD player, can play music. Unlike today’s digital age of music, however, CDs are physical items that must be bought in a store, and not illegally downloaded off of the internet. The advantage to this “old school” way of enjoying music is that that CDs will scratch as soon as you take them out of their packaging, rendering them unplayable and leaving you free to spend your time doing something more constructive.
Anyway, as I was checking out, the cashier asked me, “Would you like a gift receipt for the CD?” I politely declined and went on my merry way.
However, the more I thought about it afterwards, the more I got annoyed.
I mean, since I was asked about a gift receipt, it was obvious the cashier did not believe I was buying the CD for myself. Now why would that be? Am I too old to enjoy music? Did the cashier think I spend my time sitting around listening to national public radio and discussing old man things such as sump pumps, as opposed to listening to music? Isn’t that kind of presumptuous?
Put it this way: If I had bought something like windshield wipers would I have been asked for a gift receipt? I think not!
I’ll also bet if a 20 year old with jeans sagging down to their ankles bought the same CD the cashier would not have been asked if they wanted a gift receipt. (I know that’s a bad example. A 20 year old would have illegally downloaded the music off of the internet.)
So, basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a victim of ageism, and I’m not happy about it. I mean, what’s next? I can’t buy shorts unless they’re the kind I can pull halfway up my chest and which clash horribly with my knee socks and loafers?
All I can say is that I’m not going to let this rest. I’m not yet some old, forgetful man who thinks all music is horrible and refuses to listen to it, and I resent the fact that an assumption was made that I am! I’ll show them all! I’ll write my congressperson! I’ll find some random café and complain to everybody inside about it for hours on end, whether they want to hear it or not! I’ll never rest until I right this wrong! I’ll never – wait a minute….What am I even complaining about? Huh. I forget.
Oh well. It must not have been important. Now if I could just find my car keys so I can get to the early bird special.
Anyway, as I was checking out, the cashier asked me, “Would you like a gift receipt for the CD?” I politely declined and went on my merry way.
However, the more I thought about it afterwards, the more I got annoyed.
I mean, since I was asked about a gift receipt, it was obvious the cashier did not believe I was buying the CD for myself. Now why would that be? Am I too old to enjoy music? Did the cashier think I spend my time sitting around listening to national public radio and discussing old man things such as sump pumps, as opposed to listening to music? Isn’t that kind of presumptuous?
Put it this way: If I had bought something like windshield wipers would I have been asked for a gift receipt? I think not!
I’ll also bet if a 20 year old with jeans sagging down to their ankles bought the same CD the cashier would not have been asked if they wanted a gift receipt. (I know that’s a bad example. A 20 year old would have illegally downloaded the music off of the internet.)
So, basically, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a victim of ageism, and I’m not happy about it. I mean, what’s next? I can’t buy shorts unless they’re the kind I can pull halfway up my chest and which clash horribly with my knee socks and loafers?
All I can say is that I’m not going to let this rest. I’m not yet some old, forgetful man who thinks all music is horrible and refuses to listen to it, and I resent the fact that an assumption was made that I am! I’ll show them all! I’ll write my congressperson! I’ll find some random café and complain to everybody inside about it for hours on end, whether they want to hear it or not! I’ll never rest until I right this wrong! I’ll never – wait a minute….What am I even complaining about? Huh. I forget.
Oh well. It must not have been important. Now if I could just find my car keys so I can get to the early bird special.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Next Big Thing
I’m finally getting the hang of group road trips again.
Living in Wisconsin, I did all of my traveling solo. I got used to it and rather enjoyed it, as I was free to do anything I chose, such as drink coffee the entire duration and, as a direct result, have to stop at every single gas station along the way to use the restroom, not to mention various strategically placed trees.
Living in Minnesota, however, I find myself now making road trips to the Upper Peninsula with others. At first I struggled to adjust to this, as I was used to doing things my own way. For example, I was told I wasn’t allowed to drive in only my boxers. My reaction: Are you kidding me? There goes traveling in comfort!
However, I’m catching on. In fact, during my last trip I invented a game that can be played by any number of people, and which is way better than the Alphabet game. (Note: if somebody else already invented this game, they can pound sand. I was the one who blogged about it!) I call it Front Seat Forecast. It’s quite simple. As you are catching up to a vehicle on the freeway, each player guesses the type of person they think is driving said automobile. If anybody is feeling lucky, they can also venture as guess at the passenger. The more descriptive you get, the more fun it is. Here are some examples:
Fifty year old man with handlebar moustache wearing a Minnesota Twins cap
Little old lady with white hair peering over the steering wheel who can see only to the front of her car
Preppy college aged-male wearing a cardigan and texting
Bob Barker
The best part of the game is when you pass the vehicle and all of the players stare at it in anticipation. Upon seeing the driver there are yells of celebration, dismay, and laughter. Plus, you also get to see the driver of the other vehicles react as they try to figure out why everybody in your car is staring intently at them. It’s hilarious!
I haven’t come up with a scoring system, but it wouldn’t be hard. (1 point for guessing the driver, 3 for guessing the driver and passenger, -5 for annoying a police officer and so they pull you over, etc.)
Genius, huh? I thought so. I just hope it catches on. Then it will become commonplace for you to get passed on the freeway and see the passengers start swearing when they see you.
That’s what you get for not being a 74 year old man with a pipe and a straw hat.
Living in Wisconsin, I did all of my traveling solo. I got used to it and rather enjoyed it, as I was free to do anything I chose, such as drink coffee the entire duration and, as a direct result, have to stop at every single gas station along the way to use the restroom, not to mention various strategically placed trees.
Living in Minnesota, however, I find myself now making road trips to the Upper Peninsula with others. At first I struggled to adjust to this, as I was used to doing things my own way. For example, I was told I wasn’t allowed to drive in only my boxers. My reaction: Are you kidding me? There goes traveling in comfort!
However, I’m catching on. In fact, during my last trip I invented a game that can be played by any number of people, and which is way better than the Alphabet game. (Note: if somebody else already invented this game, they can pound sand. I was the one who blogged about it!) I call it Front Seat Forecast. It’s quite simple. As you are catching up to a vehicle on the freeway, each player guesses the type of person they think is driving said automobile. If anybody is feeling lucky, they can also venture as guess at the passenger. The more descriptive you get, the more fun it is. Here are some examples:
Fifty year old man with handlebar moustache wearing a Minnesota Twins cap
Little old lady with white hair peering over the steering wheel who can see only to the front of her car
Preppy college aged-male wearing a cardigan and texting
Bob Barker
The best part of the game is when you pass the vehicle and all of the players stare at it in anticipation. Upon seeing the driver there are yells of celebration, dismay, and laughter. Plus, you also get to see the driver of the other vehicles react as they try to figure out why everybody in your car is staring intently at them. It’s hilarious!
I haven’t come up with a scoring system, but it wouldn’t be hard. (1 point for guessing the driver, 3 for guessing the driver and passenger, -5 for annoying a police officer and so they pull you over, etc.)
Genius, huh? I thought so. I just hope it catches on. Then it will become commonplace for you to get passed on the freeway and see the passengers start swearing when they see you.
That’s what you get for not being a 74 year old man with a pipe and a straw hat.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A Stunning Revelation
At long last, it’s finally happened. I always knew it would, but I’m still finding it hard to comprehend. Still, it’s here, and it’s real, and my life has been forever changed because of it. So, without further ado, which means, according to Microsoft Word, ‘upheaval’, or ‘ruckus’, here is my announcement: I now have an arch-enemy.
Yes, you read me right. I’ve found my Lex Luthor. I’ve discovered my Joker. I’ve stumbled upon my Dr. Octopus. For those of you not familiar with arch-enemies, and it must be quite sad to be you, they are that one person whose entire goal in life is to thwart your every move.
Kinda cool, huh? Still, I have to admit it’s also kind of unnerving. I mean, it's a lot of pressure. Now, since I know you're anxious to know, just who is this person who has become my arch enemy? I will not keep you in suspense any longer: she is a cashier at my local grocery store.
I’m guessing you aren’t picking up on the diabolical vibe quite yet, so let me elaborate. She has been a cashier for 18 years, according to her name tag, which means several things:
She is in no hurry whatsoever.
She believes she knows everything about customer service and goes out of her way to prove it.
She most likely is burdened by severe arthritis.
Put this all together and it makes every trip through the checkout line a seemingly never-ending adventure where she attempts to thwart my attempts to actually purchase anything, which deserves its own big-budget, special-effects laden feature film. (Starring Betty White as the cashier, and one of the Twilight male actors as me.)
Still not convinced, despite my stunning rhetoric? Well, here are the weapons she brings to the table in her quest to keep me from ever leaving the grocery store:
Obnoxious Chatting – She’ll talk to any customer about anything, and when I say this I’m betting embarrassing rashes would not be off the table, even if they don’t want to discuss it. Things get really bad when the customer is also a Non-Stop Chatter. In that case they’ll stand there discussing gardens or Lifetime movies for hours on end, all while no actual items are ever rung up.
Inability To Multi Task – While she’s chatting, she physically cannot do anything else, such as, for example, her job. She will pick up an item and get ready to scan it. However, just then, a thought will pop into her head and will have to be immediately verbalized. This shifts her one priority from scanning to speaking. The item will just hang there in her hand, tantalizingly close to the scanner, as she begins a long-winded soliloquy which could take upwards of thirty minutes to complete. But this doesn’t bother her. She’s been there for eighteen years! What’s another thirty minutes!? It’s not like she’s going anywhere!
Customer Service – She also is there for the customer. This means she’ll go out of her way to bring her entire line to a standstill, just to possibly help somebody save enough money to purchase half of a Tic-Tac. For example, when she finally finishes ringing up a customer, she’ll say, “Are any of these items on special?” Since it is a rhetorical question, she then proceeds to review everything she just scanned, at the speed of a snail in a full body cast, mind you, just in case one of them is on sale and she can save the customer, who is at this point molding and attracting flies, fifteen cents.
Now, I’ll bet you’re asking, “Why don’t you just choose a different line?” Excuse me while I laugh in contempt and shake my head. Obviously, you don’t know arch-enemies. Arch-enemies are always there to antagonize you, and they can defy logic and the laws of physics in order to do so. For example, I’m fully confident that no matter what line I choose, she will still be there waiting for me, even if I saw her working a checkout at the other end of the store moments before, or if she was on vacation in a foreign country. I’m also pretty sure if I went to another grocery store she would be employed there, patiently waiting for me with an evil smile plastered on her diabolical face. It’s just the way things work with arch-enemies.
So what can I do about it? How can I rise above the challenge that has been posed to me, like all true heroes do? I’ve thought about this long and hard and have come to one gut-wrenching solution. It won’t be easy. It will take fortitude. It will take all of my mental and physical toughness, not to mention the heart of a lion and the will of a true champion. However, I am up for the challenge.
So here’s my plan: I will stop grocery shopping altogether and live exclusively off of delivery pizza.
Now that’s how you defeat an arch-enemy! Take that Cashier Lady!
Unless, of course, she gets a job at Dominos.
Yes, you read me right. I’ve found my Lex Luthor. I’ve discovered my Joker. I’ve stumbled upon my Dr. Octopus. For those of you not familiar with arch-enemies, and it must be quite sad to be you, they are that one person whose entire goal in life is to thwart your every move.
Kinda cool, huh? Still, I have to admit it’s also kind of unnerving. I mean, it's a lot of pressure. Now, since I know you're anxious to know, just who is this person who has become my arch enemy? I will not keep you in suspense any longer: she is a cashier at my local grocery store.
I’m guessing you aren’t picking up on the diabolical vibe quite yet, so let me elaborate. She has been a cashier for 18 years, according to her name tag, which means several things:
She is in no hurry whatsoever.
She believes she knows everything about customer service and goes out of her way to prove it.
She most likely is burdened by severe arthritis.
Put this all together and it makes every trip through the checkout line a seemingly never-ending adventure where she attempts to thwart my attempts to actually purchase anything, which deserves its own big-budget, special-effects laden feature film. (Starring Betty White as the cashier, and one of the Twilight male actors as me.)
Still not convinced, despite my stunning rhetoric? Well, here are the weapons she brings to the table in her quest to keep me from ever leaving the grocery store:
Obnoxious Chatting – She’ll talk to any customer about anything, and when I say this I’m betting embarrassing rashes would not be off the table, even if they don’t want to discuss it. Things get really bad when the customer is also a Non-Stop Chatter. In that case they’ll stand there discussing gardens or Lifetime movies for hours on end, all while no actual items are ever rung up.
Inability To Multi Task – While she’s chatting, she physically cannot do anything else, such as, for example, her job. She will pick up an item and get ready to scan it. However, just then, a thought will pop into her head and will have to be immediately verbalized. This shifts her one priority from scanning to speaking. The item will just hang there in her hand, tantalizingly close to the scanner, as she begins a long-winded soliloquy which could take upwards of thirty minutes to complete. But this doesn’t bother her. She’s been there for eighteen years! What’s another thirty minutes!? It’s not like she’s going anywhere!
Customer Service – She also is there for the customer. This means she’ll go out of her way to bring her entire line to a standstill, just to possibly help somebody save enough money to purchase half of a Tic-Tac. For example, when she finally finishes ringing up a customer, she’ll say, “Are any of these items on special?” Since it is a rhetorical question, she then proceeds to review everything she just scanned, at the speed of a snail in a full body cast, mind you, just in case one of them is on sale and she can save the customer, who is at this point molding and attracting flies, fifteen cents.
Now, I’ll bet you’re asking, “Why don’t you just choose a different line?” Excuse me while I laugh in contempt and shake my head. Obviously, you don’t know arch-enemies. Arch-enemies are always there to antagonize you, and they can defy logic and the laws of physics in order to do so. For example, I’m fully confident that no matter what line I choose, she will still be there waiting for me, even if I saw her working a checkout at the other end of the store moments before, or if she was on vacation in a foreign country. I’m also pretty sure if I went to another grocery store she would be employed there, patiently waiting for me with an evil smile plastered on her diabolical face. It’s just the way things work with arch-enemies.
So what can I do about it? How can I rise above the challenge that has been posed to me, like all true heroes do? I’ve thought about this long and hard and have come to one gut-wrenching solution. It won’t be easy. It will take fortitude. It will take all of my mental and physical toughness, not to mention the heart of a lion and the will of a true champion. However, I am up for the challenge.
So here’s my plan: I will stop grocery shopping altogether and live exclusively off of delivery pizza.
Now that’s how you defeat an arch-enemy! Take that Cashier Lady!
Unless, of course, she gets a job at Dominos.
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